Flying in the Fat Suit

I'm on vacation this week. I flew to Ohio for a writing conference...a humor writing conference. On the trip, I will visit my sister also. As usual, the trip out gave way for good writing material.

I must ask...have airline seats gotten smaller over the past years? I sat, on a four hour flight, in the absolutely back row and the middle seat. My neighbor looked at me and said, "you must be up for some kind of punishment to get that seat! What in God's name did you do?" It looked for a few moments that we were going to be OK. The seat to my right was empty. Just...a...few...more...minutes...until...takeoff. I anxiously looked up the isle to see a woman that had at least 50 pounds on me pass all of the other rows...and point to the seat on my right. She checked her ticket several times, probably in hopes of some miracle number switch or maybe a terrorist attack leading to us getting off the plane. Nope...no such luck....that seat was hers. I think she goosed me twice while putting on her seat belt.

Fortunately, she fell asleep on the flight as our legs were touching more than I usually experience with my husband. The poor man to my left was trying to find out why the arm rest wouldn't go down all the way. What can I say...my thigh was in the way. I have the bruising to prove it. I tried moving over a little but would have had to spoon my right hand neighbor...as my son would say...it was just a whole mess of awkward.

The second flight was heaven. Still the last row, but all to myself. Three seats....no neighbors. I couldn't ask for more. Apparently I had served my sentence with the first flight. I read an entire book between the two flights and again have learned a life lesson. If possible, take the last row. There is absolutely no pressure to jump up when the plane lands. I read the last ten pages in peace while the rest of the plane stood or tried to stand waiting for their turn to deboard. I knew I was last. It was great! I think I'll opt for that every time!

My sister has saved me about $500.00 as she lives ten miles from the conference. I am spending the week at her 150 year old house. You know, the one that is four times larger but 1/3 of the price of my postage stamp house in San Diego. It is beautiful...and huge. I love it. I guess, however, that 150 year old houses have their own issues. Like broken pipes. Like broken pipes that take over 24 hours to fix because they don't make that part anymore. Again...life lesson. You CAN take a shower with nothing but facial cleansing wipes. On someone my size, it did take half the pack but it did work. I was...clean..or at least, not dirty.

I also must add that my sister got all the cooking talent in the family. I have had biscuits and gravy, chicken and dumplings and she is preparing a Mile High Strawberry Pie for tomorrow. this is a dish from our childhood that has about 1000 calories per slice but is worth every one of them. Hopefully I packed my fat pants.

The week is off to a great start. I love being in Ohio and I spend a great night tonight meeting other writers. Actually, meeting some "real" writers...you know...ones that are published and paid. It was wonderful tonight - the energy was amazing and the people were friendly. What was I expecting at a Humor Conference? The fear of the unknown never makes sense, does it? I'll keep writing one way or another. I'm hoping to come away with some new ideas and maybe some discipline. I would like to post at least once a week. For those that continue to read what I've written.... Thank you....you have saved me once again from becoming a middle aged alcoholic. OK, off to bed now. The conference starts at 8:00am tomorrow. That is 5:00am San Diego time....and I have not seen one Starbucks!

Love to you all!