Thursday, July 2, 2009

The Connection between Lack of Sleep, Weight Loss and my Cat

Let me start with another medical theory. Lack of sleep causes weight gain. Why, you ask? It’s not really known. Some health care providers believe sleep loss increases our hunger hormones; others think that it changes our Basic Metabolic Rate or our ability to burn calories. At this point, who cares…if it is true, it is yet another evil plan to keep me shopping at Lane Bryant.

For any of you that have insomnia, we are most likely pen pals. I come from a long line of insomniacs. I don’t remember my mother sleeping…ever. If I woke up as a small child and walked in the living room, there she was sewing at her table. She, however, was not only a functional insomniac but she flourished in the late night hours making beautiful dolls and crafts. I am not a functional insomniac. I can handle small tasks like laundry and dishes but if I tried to use a sewing machine at 3am, you would find my hand sewn to whatever I was making. I differ also in that I do have periods of sleep. Lovely ones. I am not awake every night. Well, at least I wasn’t before…my cat.

Let me give you some background information. First, it’s not really my cat. It’s my mother-in-laws cat. When she became ill, we inherited two cats and one very ugly dog…who hates my children. That’s another story. One of the cats, while being very cute, is a very accomplished hunter. We have found the remains of two gophers and sufficient bones for a small memorial yard for birds. My husband has planted a variety of colorful plants in our front yard to attract….you got it…birds. We feel like accomplices to first degree murder. So my husband decided to give the birds a chance. He bought the cat a bell for her collar.

Did I mention that this cat is also nocturnal? She stays outside until about 2am at which time, she must come in. It’s not a request. She knows where we sleep. She only weighs about four pounds but can make a sound when she is jumping off the roof that rivals a car crash. She then scratches and meows right over my head into the open window. I get up, let her in and then attempt to go back to sleep. Now comes her planned revenge for taking away for her hunting license. It’s like a delicate song. “My little bell, my little bell. How I love to ring my little bell. I’ll watch your eyes close and let you doze…and then let you know how I feel about my **** little bell.” She then proceeds to jump on the bed…off the bed…on the the bed.

You may say…Don’t let her in to your room, stupid. She’s a cat. She’s not. She’s an evil entity. If you don’t let her in, she will try to crawl under the door. I don’t even think she’s really a cat. She’s some kind of punishment for past sins. I should consider myself lucky though. My husband woke from a deep sleep one time doubled over…she had landed a body slam on his privates. All while ringing…her little bell.

Can we get rid of her? Common people, she’s my sickly elderly mother-in-laws companion. Could you get rid of her? She’s actually very cute in daylight hours. But in the dark of night, her other personality emerges. And she is yet another of many reasons why I’m having an issue with my fat suit. I got on the scale this morning. I am down another two pounds. I think the cat was watching. I’m not looking forward to tonight.

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