Comfortable with Corpse pose

So....I started my exercise regimen. I began with yoga on Saturday. Mind you, this was a one and one-half hour class. With a woman that looks like mother earth in spandex. I twisted my body into many different positions that I didn't think I could achieve. One position was on hands and knees with my left foot and right hand meeting over my back. Please, try to picture that on a normal person, rather than on me. Another position is where you spread your legs and try to put your head on the floor. My least favorite is the crazy number of leg lifts that this instructor favors. I feel my abdomen. It is underneath about twenty pounds of fat but I feel it stirring....and in pain. Now, let me tell you that i have been unnaturally tired lately. This is not a good combination with yoga. Especially when they turn off the lights for Shavasana or corpse pose. This...is....very...relaxing. I fell asleep....and not quietly, from what Loree told me. In a room of very quiet corpses, I was the only one snoring. I will need to find another yoga class.

About a month ago, I bought the Sketcher Shape Up shoes. Loree now says that I should be their spokesperson. I have fallen in love with this incredibly odd looking footwear. My son says that look like Buzz Lightyear shoes. I don't care. I love them. More than I love him. (just kidding, Tommy. I love you both equally). I found a new use for them today.

I go to a very racially diverse church. We no longer look at each other as culturally different. Today a line was drawn that segregated us, no matter how hard we have tried to fight it. We have been separated into....those that can dance and those that can't. During one upbeat song, we were challenged to sway with the music. Guess what happens when you put on shoes with a rounded bottom. You can sway. You can sway in time to the music. Yes its true....in my new tennis shoes, I can forgo my Kentucky heritage. I can...using the term loosely....dance. Again...I will ask that you get the visual without me in mind. I don't' even want to see myself dancing. Thankfully, there were no mirrors. Especially since we were swaying, singing, clapping and even stomping at one point in the song. I stopped at the swaying, singing and clapping. I didn't want to push my luck and end up on my butt. God is good. He give us wisdom to know our limitations.

A new week is starting. Have you noticed that diets always start on Mondays. Tomorrow, I will jump in head first to getting back on track. Say a prayer for me. I love food. I don't enjoy exercise. Pray for my mind to get those sentiments swapped. I'd like to see my grandchildren when they are born. I'd like to take them to Yoga with me so we can nap together.

Have a good night everyone - Monday is coming!

If you see me coughing....

It's happened. I am officially in the "if you don't loose weight, bad things Will happen" category. I started feeling light headed this week and went to the MD. My assistant walked me out...in the rain...and refused to let me back in until I went to the MD. That girl has much to much power. I'll have to think on that when this lightheadedness goes away.

I have, unfortunately, a horrible family history. My father has had a triple bypass and my mother passed away from stroke related issues. Genetically, I hit the cardiovascular lottery. Not the good one...The MD that I saw this week was a true delight, however. He has been my GP for two years now. We had never met, which may tell you how often I go to the doctor. He was a young Asian man that does card tricks. And will explain to you about the most common side effects to your medication options. I had a choice of low heart rate, frequent urination (which I must say I already have!), sexual dysfunction or cough. I chose cough. If we are having a conversation and I seem to be coughing frequently, it is because I still wanted my heart beating, didn't want to have to interrupt to pee and well....you know. Nuff said. I had to laugh when he explained about the low heart rate making it difficult to exercise. I responded that I truly didn't need anything to help me "not" exercise. I had that down pretty well.

When I first came in, the nurse asked me to step on the scale. I assured her that this would not bring my blood pressure down. She insisted. It was ugly. I have gained 10 pounds. Then she took my blood pressure. Amazingly it was still high. I think it may be the scale. They scare me.

So....what is the point of this? I am enlisting my friends. If you see me with an ice cream, chocolate or hmmmm... a peanut butter ball, you have every right to tackle me to the ground and call me an idiot. I will then cough in your face but will appreciate your love and affection for me. Time to get serious. Loree is picking me up for Yoga. I once again will begin forcing my apple shape to become a tree...or a crane...or a downward dog. It's not pretty but it's time.

Love to you all!

Breaking out the Velour

The Holiday season is upon us. Food is everywhere...and I mean...everywhere. Thanksgiving was yesterday and I believe I am still digesting the meal...and possibly some of the alcohol. Please remember, I am a total lightweight. I was in bed by 8:30 after drinking a few Mango Smirnoff's. Our plan was to drive to Yuma to see my brothers family and return at nightfall. After a day of food coma and a few drinks, we were in the camper spending the night.

We had a great trip. Our original plan was to have the whole family (+girlfriends) with us. We opted to rent an ark (otherwise known as an Expedition) for the drive as we were also taking my sister and her kids. After basketball practice, flu symptoms and scheduling issues, it was me, Eric, my sister (Lisa) and her two kids...in a really, really big SUV. Eric is secretly looking on line for a good price, I know it. He was in love. It was big....it had GPS and satellite radio....and it drove very smooth for such a large vehicle. I keep looking outside.... I know one is going to turn up in my driveway at some point.

Back home today, I pulled out the cookbooks. Hmmmm....what to bake this year? Every Christmas, I make peanut butter balls. Peanut butter is healthy for you, so I don't feel that bad. Now, peanut butter mixed with two pounds of powdered sugar, rice Krispies and dipped in chocolate do not a health food make...but...the base is all protein. and fat. and sugar. Isn't that really covering all the food groups? I feel my arteries clogging.

I want to make something else this year so I went through the recipes. Lisa wants church windows. These are basically multi-colored marshmallows mixed with nuts and chocolate, rolled into a log with coconut and cut into medallions. Again...not really a health food but definitely delicious.

I also opt for fudge usually. Years ago, I lovingly took out my grandmothers fudge recipe every year. It was hand written on rose colored paper. A part of her to hang onto. Then one year, I noticed a strange resemblance to the recipe on the Marshmallow cream jar. Hey! They stole my grandmothers recipe!...The one using....hmmm.... their product.....What the heck is going on here? Ok - I admit it....I was dropped on my head as a child. But only once, I'm told. I still hang on to the recipe; it's still in her handwriting!

My mother was an amazing cook. She made chocolate covered cherries when we were kids that actually were liquid when you bit into them. She made "mile high strawberry pie" and chocolate pudding cake. I was raised with fried chicken, beans and potatoes and tacos that were deep fried with the meat inside (something like Jack in the Box). I don't think she knew how to cook anything that wasn't fried in a pan of fat. For breakfast, she would fry the bacon and then fry the eggs in the bacon grease. It was like a game. You would have to chase them around the plate as they slid from side to side. We would have fried corn meal and then put....what else...butter on top. Does my current weight problem make any sense now? God love her - she was an incredible woman. Kentucky cooking at it's best. She left behind a legacy of music, baking and very large breeders hips. As I've stated before, if we have a famine, I'm good.

It's 7:30pm. Eric and I are thinking of walking into Santee. I need to do something to get my blood going or I'm going to be wearing sweats to work on Monday. Most likely in purple velour, just to make a statement. Try not to get a visual...it won't be pretty. Up I go. Hope you all have a good night. I am hoping to have an empty stomach by tomorrow. It's another day and the peanut butter balls are calling. Love to you all....

Nylons are nauseating

Friday and has come and gone. I lived through it....I wore a dress. For several hours, even. I have learned several lessons for my next outing...

Lesson 1: Nylons were obviously invented by a man....who hated women....and needed to find some legal form of torture.

Lesson 2: Nylons create a loud swishing sound when placed on larger thighs.

Lesson 3: There is no product that you can put on nylons to take away the swishing sound.

Lesson 4: Football games, thankfully, are loud and drown out swishing nylon thighs.

I have several choices to help prepare for the next time I wear a dress.

Choice 1: Go to a tanning salon and get color on my sheet white legs.

Choice 2: Search for nylons that don't make swishing noises.

Choice 3: Wear dresses only to football games.

Another opportunity will arise to wear a dress. I must start getting prepared. I must say, I felt absolutely feminine and actually....shall I say....somewhat pretty. Not a typical feeling for me. I am usually much more interested in going for a laugh than paying attention to my appearance. It was fun. I felt good. I must add, I also had a long muted purple and silver jacket. I love it. It was not only attractive but....it was warm! I will have to find several occasions to wear it.

The night was wonderful. My son and I rode on a golf cart to the center of the football field. He and four other young men and five other young women stood behind individual large boxes to be torn into on cue. Matt was looking at everyone else while he reached into his box. He pulled out a large purple Mad Hatter hat - a very appropriate hat for him as King. He got to enjoy the rest of the night with his best friend, Jesse, and the other members of the court. I think he was pleasantly surprised that he won and I could see that he was actually fine either way. He just enjoyed the whole act of running.

I slipped out in the third quarter with my husband. We had committed to taking our friends daughters home and even though it was not audible, I could still feel my swishing thighs. From the half time on, I was fantasizing about taking off the nylons... counting down the minutes. I didn't have young girls in the car with us, they most likely wouldn't have even made the ride home. Good for us as that would have taken much more flexibility than I have at 45. I'm sure some type of inappropriate behavior would have resulted...and potentially a ticket for indecent exposure. I'm sure our visitors in the car was some type of protection from God.

It's been a good weekend. Lessons learned and hope for future outings. I hope your week goes well. Life is good!

Dressing with dresses

I'm about to venture into a new age. An age in which I wear (shudder).....dresses. Eeeek. If you have read my earlier posts, you know my striking resemblance to a Hobbit. Picture Frodo in a dress....stop laughing....feel my pain. My friend Loree assured me that my legs do not resemble the tree trunks that I see but then again, she is my friend. How do you tactfully say that to someone? As I get older, it does seem that at some point dresses will no longer be an option. As my knees loose any semblance of shape, at some point they will need to tucked into my shoes. Boots may be a good choice then. This may be my last chance.

Dresses allow for an air of femininity. Those that know me are again....laughing. Femininity and I are not close companions. Although not incredibly athletic, I do tend to feel more comfortable with masculine tasks. When friends were moving, I would be hefting furniture as opposed to cleaning the bathroom. When my children were young, we bonded by wresting in the living room...or in the bedroom...or on the roof. Even with my male staff, I have to watch my boundaries. At a holiday party last year, one instructor made a smart aleck comment and as I was two lemon drops in, I smacked him in the head. Hard. Eeek. Thankfully, he forwent suing me for some additional job security. Several years ago, my house was constantly filled with males of all ages - college guys from our church, high school friends of my boys, or just neighborhood kids hanging out. Mostly males - I have borrowed girls on occasion from my friends. While delighted to go shopping or spend time talking with them, I always returned to my boys satisfied with what God had given me.

My poor husband - you can imagine his plight. He thought he was marrying a woman! Someone frilly, sweet and.....well, lets just say it....feminine. He stood in shock and amazement the first time he saw me pounce on top of a neighborhood kid and knock him to the ground. We then had a full on Wrestlemania session with him sitting and rethinking his life choices. Poor man.

Wrestling when your nearing 46 is no longer fun. My son and I went into a punching war recently. I limped away to lick my bruises and find my inhaler. I then slept for six hours. I am truly old. Since my tomboyness is no longer working for me, I may just try out this feminine thing. Maybe its time. Everyone has to grow up sometime, right? When better than when you're nearing 50. So....I have two new dresses hanging in my closet. This will be the first year in about five that I will wear a dress to my husbands Christmas party. I have always found a delightful pants suit. Hey...before you get the mental image...they were dressy pant suits, not a three piece suit off of the men's rack.

Now this all started because my son made Homecoming Court. This is my second son to make court; social skills are not lacking in my offspring. Must come from their Dad's side! Two years ago, I wore a pair of Plazo pants and sequined top to proudly walk my son out to the football field during the Homecoming game. Now...this was a very positive choice for me as I had to climb out of the back seat of a Convertible. I have not figured out why they make back seats in Convertibles as they only fit a three year old comfortably. When getting back in, I believe I mooned the entire audience. The pants, as I said before, were a good choice. This year I will be coming in a golf cart. No doors. No climbing...and hopefully.....no mooning. So.......a dress it is. I going to try it. I may end of scarred for life and return to the comfort of my pants. As I am making out my "bucket list" however, and wrote down sky diving and doing the zip line at the Wild Animal Park, I've decided that I can do this. I will confess, the sky diving is less frightening to me. Someone be on the sidelines with an inhaler and some Valium. I may need it.

Hope all is well with everyone - have a great weekend.

Eating Boredom

I haven't figured out what eating and boredom have in common. They are intimately related. Hmmm....nothing on TV (in spite of having 300+ channels), nothing grabbing me on the Internet, house is reasonably clean (could be debatable!).....must be time to eat. Eating out of boredom does become an activity into itself. When eating for say...energy...our body gives a chemical signal creating the feeling of hunger and we grab whatever is reasonably close. Boredom takes on a whole routine. a. Ascertain that there is nothing to do.... b. list options in mind that could be healthy alternative to eating (go for walk, read a novel, contemplate world peace).... c. come up with valid arguments as to why options are not plausible...d. casually eat everything in site. One way to counter boredom eating? Don't keep much food in the house. This unfortunately, however, does increase your SDG&E bill. Why you ask? Have you ever wanted to eat and had no food in the refrigerator? We have some weird but unshakable notion that we have just missed some delightful tidbit on the last six times that we opened the refrigerator door. I'm sure there is a cheesecake in there somewhere...it must be hiding behind the squeeze bottle of mustard or maybe under that outdated yogurt that I keep forgetting to throw out.

I have a friend that calls me "butter girl" for a similar episode. We were at a friends house and I was searching for some form of sweetener for my coffee. My friends kept their butter in what appeared in my simple mind to be a sugar bowl. I opened the "sugar bowl" not once, not twice but a total of five times while I searched for the sugar. As for the friend that was taking such pleasure in my insane searching, it is notable to explain that this was the first time we met. We are still friends....she uses me for comedy relief when she is struggling with life!

What is it in us that refuses to accept what we know to be true? Is it optimism? Or just plain old delusions that keep us opening and closing the refrigerator? Has the food fairy come? Has she come now?....how about now?....did she come now?....You have to laugh. We are amazingly complex yet simple all at the same time. Or maybe that is just me.

I am trying to counter some boredom with a new activity. I bought a jump rope. It's pretty cool - I am short so I can actually jump rope in the living room. Nothing has been broken....yet. No lamps....no mirrors...no bones. Whenever I want to open the fridge, I grab the rope. I jump until I am out of breath...which is about 20 seconds currently. I read somewhere that one should exercise at least 20 minutes a day and that you can break it up anyway that works for you. I will have to reach for the refridgerator 60 times to make my 20 minutes. No sweat. I can do that in an hour typically. Don't laugh...have someone count how many times you do it.

Life is good. It would be better if I were a size six but it is good all the same. I am very blessed to have good friends, an understanding husband and some pretty cool kids. I'm surrounded by people that help me feel better about myself. As long as I avoid the full length mirrors, I can keep a pretty good mood going. Hope you enjoy a good evening....hmmmm...I wonder if the cheesecake is there yet? Where is that rope?

The Voice of Obesity

I may be getting hypersensitive. I'm not sure....but...is there such a thing as a fat sounding voice? I drive through Starbucks on a regular basis and order the same thing every day. I am a creature of habit. A Venti iced double shot with vanilla syrup. Notice in my order, there is no "sugar free" added. I don't want sugar free....I want full leaded. So, why on my last visit, did the Barista ask me "Do you want that sugar free?". I must be getting cranky. I wanted to respond, "did I ask for sugar free?" Dear Lord, he couldn't even see me. Do I...sound...fat? Heck...give me the sugar and forget the 2%. Go ahead and give me full cream.

What does a fat chick sound like? Wow...now, this is coming off of an evening conversation with a guy that is like a brother to me. We were going to be volunteering the next day and he was asking if I already had an event T-shirt. Nope...don't have one. His response? "Bring a blue T-shirt then because all I have is Large and I mean, there kind of a small large". Ummmm....Ok. Go ahead, bud. Just say it. Listen lady, you're too fat to fit into the issued T-shirt. Get your own. I had to laugh and guess what? I did get a Large T-shirt the next day and it did fit. HAHAHA(evil laugh)!

I am a bit off the wagon, I must admit. I have to get refocused. These two little episodes did snap me back to reality. I do want to be moving in the right direction. I do enjoy the feeling of, while not exactly thinness, thinnerness. I feel better about my self. Now, I did have one interesting and unexpected comment this week. I was wearing a pair of slacks, a short sleeved shirt and a very modest Cami. Very modest. Forty five year old women should not try to show cleavage. It's not attractive. It's sort of....long. So, in commenting on my modest but apparently somewhat stylish attire, one of my staff stated, "your all hoochied out today." Hmmm....hoochied out was not quite the look I was going for. Professional...Attractive...even clean...would have been a better adjective for me. I must admit, however, I do appreciate the heart behind it and the staff member is an absolute sweetie. I will do a double take every morning from now on and put the spike heels away. (just kidding!)

We had a graduation ceremony Friday. I love graduation. Long black gowns are such a great equalizer. We ALL look fat. It's a great thing. And where else do you get the opportunity to quote Dr. Suess. At least all of the students laughed.

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own.And you know what you know. You are the guy who'll decide where to go.”

So true. I'm off and running now. I know what I know...just have to keep putting it into practice and not get cranky. Love to anyone listening. When you read this at times rambling monologue, you bring a bit of happiness to my day.