Tale of the Leopard Dress

I went shopping yesterday....with Joy, my boss. I have my 30 years reunion coming up and needed something that says..."I'm overweight but still attractive, pushing 50 but still young and successful in my career but not stuffy". It's alot to ask for one outfit...the pressure was on. We were headed towards TJ Max when we spied a Lane Bryant. Now, if you have read my earlier post, you know my relationship with LB. I entered warily, knowing that I had to be on guard for sequins! Thankfully, the Christmas attire was not out in August.

I was greeted, however, with a Tribal Tunic that showed promise. (I did flirt with a purple sequined tank but made it absolutely clear that we could only be friends in the dressing room....it was absolutely not going home with me!) The top was embellished but not overwhelmed with sparkles. The cut also was perfect....gathered under the bust to slide gracefully past the trouble spots (or so I've learned on What Not to Wear). Joy helped me find some dress pants which took some effort...the first pair was swimming on me....leading me to think that my LB shopping may be coming to a close soon (yeah!). The second pair fit up top but hung mercilessly to my ankles...exposing my hobbit feet. The third pair was just like the three bears story....they fit perfectly! We managed to also find a pair of black sandals with the same embellishments that peeked nicely from my perfect pants.

I thought that I was done...until....a leopard spotted dress caught my eye. First of all...the fact that any dress caught my eye only reinforced in my mind that I must be hormonal....I don't wear dresses. You can see in my 2009 posts that I have dress induced anxiety disorder....I also have nylon induced PTSD. I don't wear dresses. But for some reason...it could be that I just read an article about the crowning of Ms. Cougar 2011 (I can only ask.....why?) but the dress whispered to me....I can cover all of your flaws with my leopard spots...I meet all of your criteria...young...slimming...and not stuffy! I showed it to Joy who told me...that was the dress that I picked out for you! Wow...it was meant to be....I tried it on. Guess what...it was....slimming, young and not stuffy....and it didn't look too bad as it slipped delightfully past my missing knees. Not too long...not too short. I bought it. I must add that the pictures are of LB models...please do not adjust your screen....you're right...no dress will make me look that good!

Today I went to a wedding. I decided to plunge in. Yeah! A place to wear my dress. I touched up my toes...grabbed the liquid tan and started getting ready. I was faced with so many questions!! Do people wear nylons anymore? Even so...can you wear nylons with open toed shoes? Do I need a slip? Do they make those anymore? Can I wear Spanx? (I must say on the last one...I tried but was overwhelmed by the swish swish noise erupting from below my waist!). I felt like a divorced woman going on her first date. After primping and prancing in the mirror and looking at every angle that I could see (I opted to ignore my backside since seeing it up close in Leopard spots would undoubtedly make me loose me nerve), put on my heels and left the house with Loree.

We arrived at the wedding in Spring Valley and I was met with the realization that strong winds and dresses do not mix. The dress if fairly light. I held my hands stiffly at my sides and gave anyone that tried to hug me a quick clasp while hanging onto my dress for dear life. I felt positively unnerved...what happens if my dress flies up? Will any of these young single guys ever entertain marriage afterward? Will the thought of what becomes of old married women in dresses give them nightmares? I was grateful when we moved indoors...no wind.

I then was encountered with sitting and standing during a wedding. I would try to run my hand over my rear in an attempt to be sure that I was sitting on the dress. I kept pulling it down over my legs. I was impressed with Loree crossing her legs....I knew that I would be too focused on where the hem line was to do anything other than sit with my ankles crossed. Each time I rose, I envisioned my dress caught in some random skin fold and exposing my entire backside to the people behind me. I have decided that for me...dresses should be accompanied by a side of Ativan. I'm going to have to work up to wearing one for a whole day....this could take years!

All in all, I had several compliments...including from my son and husband. I guess the stress was worth it. I did feel pretty...and younger in it. I'll continue to work on my relationship with the dress...as with all relationships....they take time to nurture and grow. Hopefully the dress and I will make peace at about the same time that my knees return!

Love to you all!