Saturday, April 7, 2012

There's a Whole Bunch of Awkward Coming

Today I had a moment of painful reality was not pretty. This morning I received a lovely package of clothes that I ordered online.  I excitedly opened the package and began pulling out tops of various colors and sizes only to think....Oh my Lord....these look huge!   What size did I order...double wide?  They will never fit! Oh well...I bought them on clearance (which would be my secret indulgence during very bad bouts of insomnia!) and Coldwater Creek is actually very good about returns.  Ahhhh.....may as well try them on.   This is where my nightmare began.

They fit.

Like a glove.

I have officially left the land of the chubby to being able to wear a small tent....albeit a very fashionable one.  I must say, also, that turquoise and purple are still my favorite colors in spite of the fact that an entire Indian tribe should be able to share these shirts with me.  Maybe if I loose weight, I could double my wardrobe with the services of a good tailor.

This reality also reminded me of an additional horror...I am about to embark on a plane ride in 9 days to Dayton, Ohio for the Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop.  I have been looking forward to this for two years now - the last workshop was amazing.  A trip to Dayton requires me to board a plane....with my over sized body and sit with two strangers for four hours.  My last flight included me sitting between a large woman and average sized man....who could not figure out why his arm rest would not go down.  I was unfortunately spilling over onto his seat....just as my neighbor was spilling into mine.

Any chance that I will loose 30 pounds in the next 9 days?  Cabbage soup diet....Atkins....17 day diet....a combination of all of them?  Maybe just not eat for the next 9 days?  I remember back in January that I was planning on loosing weight specifically for this reason. What happened over the past three months?  Apparently instead of channeling "fit and trim", I ended up with "fat and happy".  I am now singing "Breathe" by Anna Nalick over and over in my head...."No one can hit the remind button cradle your head in your hands....and breathe...just breathe."  So now I am breathing....and drinking wine....and I'm not sure which one is helping more, but I am calmer.

I am now praying that God will seat me next ten year old twins..or a young mother with a two year old flying in her own seat.  I'll deal with the kids...I just can't deal with another four hours of ignoring a poor confused man irritated by his malfunctioning arm rest...even if I will be in cute clothes...that resemble a tent...Yep...I'm trying...there is no good way to spin this!

Say a prayer for me.  In the greater scheme, I know that this is my own doing.   Lord, have mercy, however, if not on me...on the poor soul next to me.  I'm back on the exercise videos...I'll stop eating the convenience foods....just please save me from the whole bunch of awkward that's coming my way!

Love to you all!

1 comment:

  1. I love your writing. This very thing has happened, so I completely relate. Take heart--there will be laughs in abound at Erma, and a bad plane ride makes for really good blog fodder. Can't wait to read your next piece!!