My Body - The War Zone

So I realized that I have not posted in this blog for quite some time!  Here is my latest entry from my new blog - Mothering, Marriage and Menopause.  If you enjoy, come one over and take a look!   Mothering, Marriage and Menopause

My Body - the War Zone

It’s happened – I’ve reached the age where I can’t deny the changes in my face and body.  They’ve come for me – like a free fall from a cliff but without the bungee cord.  I’m not young and cute anymore – but so not ready to be labeled old and wise (notice that old and wise people have no appearance commentary!).   My body has taken on a life of its own and while we can talk about aging gracefully, my body seems to want to beat the crap out of me and everyone else on the way out.

I’ve never been a thin woman – one of those who was born in the wrong time. While everyone was in leg warmers in the 80’s, I was still curvy and more JLo than Jane Fonda.  (JLo if she was a shorter, with whiter skin, straight hair and much less talent – other than that…exactly the same.)  Now in my 50s, those curves continue to curve, but all in the wrong direction.  I seem to remember having knees but now I have lumps of fat that have eaten my patellae.  In the day of seeking the thigh gap, my thighs seem to be seeking a second life as a mermaid.

My belly and I have been at war for the past decade.  I gave up Spanx a few years ago when I realized that the more I bound my abdomen, the more it would get back at me by passing gas.  Being thinner was not worth the number of times I had to quickly exit areas in hopes that someone else was blamed.  My husband caught on.  He now grabs me by the hand and says “Honey…is something not agreeing with you?”  I remind him that I have insomnia…and unstable emotions.  This is not a good era to cross me.

I feel bad for my husband for missing out on my younger years.  We married after my chest had permanently headed south.  A friend of mine wears no bra on the weekends since she had breast augmentation ten years ago.  No bra is not an option for me.  I might trip on those babies and end up with a broken hip.  As they lose form, however, they are becoming easier to roll up and tend to conform to whatever bra they are bound by.  Underwires are good.  Jogging bras are not….unless the wide uni-breast look is in.

My arms are the one area that has maintained some sense of dignity.  Those kids did come in handy for something -mostly for forgoing the need for weights.  I’ve seen women my age with full-on flying squirrel going on – mine are more like slightly overweight bats -just a little hang and they do stop moving fairly quickly when I stop waving.  God bless them.  At least one body part still likes me.

I got a glimpse of myself in my friend’s rearview mirror the other day.  It was not a reflection of my face but only my neck.  I wondered how my grandmother had entered the car…since she is no longer living.  Then I realized that it was me.  In my grandmother’s neck.  And I realized why people have face lifts.  I quickly brought my face in line with the mirror – not hard since I was in the back seat.  The hard part was keeping that position for the remainder of the ride.   I called shotgun on the way back.

Now is the part where I’m supposed to tell you that I still love myself…yada, yada, yada.  And none of it matters…and we all grow old, etc.  And we do.  And I do.  So I guess I will!  I do still love this crazy body that has decided to fight all sense and reason as it hit menopause.  It breaks into hot flashes at a moment’s notice like a fit of rage by a two-year old.  It keeps me up nights with aches and pains in areas where I didn’t even know had nerve endings.  The only time I find my missing patellae is when I’m walking up stairs and they start screaming, “Why didn’t you take the elevator???”

But my body is still mine and the only one I’ve got.  Those mermaid legs walked me all over Ireland on our last vacation.  That belly got a clean bill of health at the last colonoscopy.   And the breasts?  They may be long…but they have not turned on me.  One of my favorite shirts while walking in the the Breast Cancer 3-day - "Of course my breasts are fake - my real ones tried to kill me!"

So here we go – I could have another forty years with this cranky, non-conforming body.  Beats the alternative.  I will continue to push and pull it into some recognizable shape and it will most likely continue to fight every undergarment that steals its freedom.  In the end, that’s okay.  We’re in it together and secretly, I know we are still in sync.  Time to move on, however…apparently, my belly is angry about something.  My apologies.

The Battle Still Wages

Ok...I'm down to 20 pounds within my goal weight.  This would be the same 20 pounds that has plagued me for the past 30 days.  I hear it's the hardest to loose.  I can attest that this is true.  Once you rid yourself of the lazy fat...that is, the fat that just sort of hangs on until you shake it off vigorously, the hard core fat remains.  This is the fat that is supposed to save you in a famine.  The fat that stores estrogen for an impending menopause.  This fat is very..very...determined and may I add...definitely not attractive. 

Now, this fat does at least behave itself while I'm fully clothed.  It tucks itself away when constricted by jeans or any other form fitting garment.  I think it knows I would resort to surgery if I had to deal with it in the daylight!  But at night...or in the morning when I'm dressing, it taunts me relentlessly.  I have lost close to 50 pounds and yes...I am happy with my body and no....I'm not becoming a closet anorexic.  But hey, why do something half way?  It's time to finish the job!

One little item that they don't tell you when you  are loosing weight is that once skin and muscles have stretched out, they really don't just snap back like a rubber band.  They sort of slowly amble back into the right size and hang out for a while to make sure your really going to keep the weight off this time!  I get it...my body has moved between a size 7 and size 18 so many times that my skin is just trying to keep up!  I sort of feel like a deflated balloon.  Everything is smaller but it just...doesn't ...look...quite like it did prior to my getting big.  While my arms have maintained some muscle definition (thank you push ups and planks!), my torso has taken on a mind of it's own.  If only there was a little knob in the top of my head that I could just pull it all up with!  Remember Edgar in MIB?  Although, come to think of it, that didn't work out so well for him, did it?

Matt showed me some exercises to get my rear in shape.  My husband took a double take as I had my shoulders balanced on the couch, my knees bent and my hips thrust in the air.  This is definitely not an exercise to do when anyone is home!  I also started the Insanity videos.  I can make it through the first thirty minutes of the first video.  I plan on camping there for a while.  It seems much safer than plowing ahead and potentially having a heart attack.  I would like to enjoy my smaller size for a short time at least!  Shaun T is certifiably insane...I agree...but I can now do butt kicks, knee lifts and jumping jacks for a full ten minute warm up...yes...I said warm up!  That's just the warm up.  The first day, I warmed up after 45 seconds and just stood with my mouth open through the rest of the video.

I also have committed to two of my fellow nurses to run a half-marathon in February.  Pray for me.  If you have ever run with me, you know that I sound like a 79 year old with emphysema when I run.  Random people run up to me with inhalers.  It is better with the weight off, but my lung capacity is still lacking.  I may die in February.  I love you all...please say nice things at my memorial service!

So the battle still wages.  And I don't ever want to take a chance on going back.   I love being thinner.  I like clothes shopping again.  Even shoes are more fun now, albeit, I've made some very stupid shoe choices lately to  avoid hemming my new smaller pants.  This is yet another story to tell at another time.  Most likely when I finally fall off those heels and break my ankle....and...hey...save my self from the half-marathon! 

Love to you all!

I'm Still Me!

I had the funniest interaction with a student recently.  One of my male students grabbed my arm recently and stated with concern, "Mrs. Saretsky....I'm soooo worried about you!  You need to eat!  You don't need to worry about those models out there.  You just need to be you!  Just be you!"  I smiled and let him know that I was not a) trying to compete with 18 year old models or b) on a hunger strike until people began telling me I looked like an eighteen year old model.  I was still me....inside and out!   To reiterate that, I reminded him that he was late for class....something the "old un-modelesk" self would have done also!   I had a good laugh and he has moved on to other battles...like graduating and becoming a nurse.

My sons have commented that they are proud of my weight loss but still haven't adjusted to seeing me as smaller.  I reminded Tommy that I was 15 pounds lighter than my current weight when Eric and I married eleven years ago.  He replied that he just doesn't remember me that way....I've been bigger in most of his memories.  It did remind me that we all make adjustments as we change or our loved ones change.  We did, however, both decide that I am still....me! 

Losing Fast with Medifast

Ok...I'm a believer.  I've become a Medifast junkie.  After seeing advertising for this program for years, I finally opted to try it.  (Well, I opted to try it after watching my best friend lose 15 pounds while on it!.)   I have been on the program for 2 1/2 week and am down my own15 pounds.   Hallelujah....I may see my feet again at some point!

The program consists of eating (or drinking) five packages of Medifast product and one "lean and green" meal. The packages are mixed with water to create eggs, pancakes, shakes, pudding, etc. and the one meal a day is veggies and a lean protein.  Very limited brain power required.  I was staring into my pantry one evening and Tommy commented "you're going to get a blue packet or a red packet, Mom...it shouldn't take that much thought!"  Ahhh...but my little packet can be turned into chili....or cappuccino....or a brownie...these are big decisions here!  

The most amazing thing is that I'm truly not hungry.  I eat every 2 1/2 hours and don't really think about food other than when it's time to eat.  This is a major victory for me.  Food has plagued my thoughts for....let me see....how old am I?....48 years.  I began my relationship with food from an early age, having been reared by a woman from Kentucky that knew that everything tastes better with bacon...and fat...and salt.   My mother was an amazing Southern cook that taught us, among other things, that food was to be enjoyed.  And I did....to excess.  Food has  been my friend, my confidant and at times, my significant other.  It feels incredibly healthy to put food in it's place....an acquaintance that I interact with several times a day rather than the lost love that I perseverate  about constantly.  What will I eat next?  When will I eat next?  Is that a Potluck I smell?  Maybe I just needed a psych eval all along.

I reached the milestone of navigating Costco without nibbling on the free samples.  I participated in a pizza party with....yep...no pizza!  I went out with my coworkers to Cirque du Soleil, smelled the popcorn, and did not falter!  I nibbled on my Medifast cinnamon sticks and felt satisfied...and strong.

Other benefits....I'm sleeping... through the night.   This may have more to do with my decrease in caffeine than my diet but it is a related perk.  I like coffee.  I love flavored creamer.  Coffee and I have a precarious relationship when I can't sweeten him up.  I am down to about 1 cup a day that I drink with powdered creamer and Truvia.  Not the same as my Skinny Vanilla Latte's.  I stand corrected, however, on everyone that asked my to decrease my caffeine consumption when discussing my insomnia....apparently it does affect me that way. My Starbucks savings is going into a savings account for a Hawaii trip -for  when I can put on a bathing suit and actually venture out of the house in it.  (I will happily wave goodbye to the unileg!)

I also broke up with salt.  This could explain the 15 pounds in 2 weeks.  I salted everything...usually before I even tasted it.  I salted meat, fruit, eggs...you name it...it needed more salt.  I use it extremely sparingly now. My new best friend is no salt seasoning mix - I now use it on everything.  It's an illness I know...but at least I'm looking for healthier alternatives!

So...I will continue to post how it's going.  Someone asked me the other day what I will write about if I lose all the weight.  I thought for a moment....I doubt Medifast can cure the crazy thoughts that engulf my head...or make the antics of my three boys any calmer...or make me the perfect wife, mother and nurse...Nahhh...there will still be plenty to write about!

Love to you all!

Climbing up Coronado

Each year for one day, foot traffic is allowed on the Coronado Bridge.  Today was the day for 2012.  Each year the San Diego Navy MWR (Morale, Welfare and Recreation) sponsors a race that takes participants from the San Diego Convention Center to Tidelands Park with some of the best views of the city atop the Coronado Bridge.  Eric and I have participated three times.  Each time is yet another great experience.  It is also for a good cause as it helps fund the MWR, which supports the off duty activities for our Navy personnel.

This four mile walk (each year I run about a total of about....hmmmm...six minutes) allows for great scenery,  camaraderie and a chance to see young families working together.  Many young Moms and Dads are running along side children of all ages.  Very cool.  (Makes me wish I had exercised with my kids rather than just watching from the sidelines!  I truly was the athletic supporter rather than the athlete!)

Eric and I walked most of the way with taking short sprints just to break out of the crowd.  I think it always surprises people to see me run at all...I am not a gazelle....much more like a rhino running.  It's not pretty, I've been told...in a manner that I'm sure came from a good place (?).  We did have to run a few times, however, to avoid the women with the wild arm swing....she came close to making Eric hit a falsetto.  We also ran to get in front of a woman who, in spite of having my body, opted to wear a very short walking skirt that allowed us all to witness her thighs battle each other for space.   It was not pretty.  It also reminded me that my knee length walking shorts were a good idea.

The Kreativ Blogger Award!

It has been two weeks since my return from the EBWW.  I came back expecting to jump into my writing with both feet, crank out a best seller and live off the royalties in Hawaii.   Just kidding...I actually expected to be doing exactly what I am doing...trying to figure out what I want to do with my writing!  I came to some very comforting realizations while at the conference:

1. If I never get famous writing a novel, it's ok.
2. If I never get famous writing a blog, it's ok.
3. If I end up doing some writing that makes someone, somewhere laugh....I'm a successful writer.
4. I may never know how many people enjoy my writing and that's ok too.

All of these realizations actually add to my overall contentment.  I write the blog because I enjoy it.  Nothing gives me greater pleasure that having someone say...I read your stuff and laughed out loud.  It's even better if they choked on some milk that spurted from their nose...then I know I really hit the mark!   My biggest wish is to have a moment like Erma when she read the words from her university professor stating "you can write". 

In that vein, I received a nod from a fellow writer that I was privileged to meet at the conference.  Darlene Sneden of Adventures of a Middle Age Mom fame, nominated me for a Kreativ Blogger award.  Darlene is one of many amazing writers that I was astounded by at the conference...each one at a different level of "success" yet continually accepting of every new face, conversation and question.  With the award, I am to give you seven facts about myself and nominate seven other bloggers for the award so...here goes!

1.  A relatively unknown fact about me is that I once danced to "Ease on Down the Road" at the Holiday Bowl in San Diego.  I believe my shining moment was when I got off step and ran into the dancer in front of me right in front of a group of my high school friends.  This could have been the reason I gave up dance, Drill Team and anything that required me to move to music in front of 66,000 people.

2.  I completed my Masters Degree in Nursing Education in November 2011.  I have since thought I'd write a book entitled "How to make insomnia work for you".

3.  I was privileged to sing for several weddings and church banquets over the years until peri-menopause turned me into a tenor.  Now if I have a cold, I can sing bass.

4.  It always shocks the heck out of me when people state "I'm so glad you're here" in a crisis.  I teach my students to just...talk....slower....if you feel anxious.  Apparently it has worked miracles for me over the years. 

5.  While I loved Psych nursing on the floor, I love teaching more.  I feel oddly at home in the classroom and absolutely get a sense of accomplishment when my students 'get it'.  As I get older, it just takes longer sometimes for me to 'get it' first!

6.  I am somewhat of the computer expert in my office which makes my husband and kids laugh hysterically since I usually need them to program my phone for me.

7.  We once had the police called to my sons 12-year birthday party when he and his friends staged a gang fight.  It is never good to meet a parent by saying "If your son tells you he was spread out over a police car, it is true...but not as bad as it sounds...."

Now that you know me, let me introduce you to my nominees....

1.  Heidi Koch Frazer from Heidi in Wisconsin is apparently my twin from another mother...and father...and family.  She has some hysterical blogs that do make me laugh out loud!

2.  Stacy Hatton is a pediatric nurse that writes about her adventures in parenthood in Nurse Mommy Laughs .  She has a great sense of humor and her musings on young childhood bring back memories (or nightmares) for me! 

3.  Ginger Truitt is a mother of five (I'm such a wimp with only 3!) that writes for several newspapers and is currently working on a book.  She can be found at Ginger Truitt and has a great outlook on life.

4.  I also met Rachel Webb Turner at the conference and she describes her blog as "all kinds of random things"....like Atlanta or being old and pregnant.  Her blog is Rachels Humor .

5.  Jody Worsham from The Medicare Mom writes about being having young children while being in the Medicare years.  Her recap of the EBWW made us all laugh!

I'm going to cheat a little bit and throw back the nomination to Darlene Sneden and the woman that nominated her, Lisa Tognola of Main Street Musings .  Both great writers and people I would love to learn from!

So...I have provided you with seven useless facts, tons of reading material and hopefully enough insight into my insecurities as a writer that you will leave a comment telling me that I have made you laugh at some point.   It's 4:30am....my work here is done.

Love to you all!

Flying in the Fat Suit...again

I am back in San Diego after an incredible three days attending the Erma Bombeck Writer's Workshop.  Amazing time.  Amazing people.  Amazing acceptance of wherever you are as a writer.

If you know me, you know how I am about airplane seating.  If you know anything about the current airline industry, you know my anxiety can only be growing.  Planes are PACKED....each of my four flights this week had a body in each seat.  Ahhhh...this is the actual issue.  It's the bodies...not the seats.  Mine in particular.  I am currently feeling like the Mamma bear body in the baby bear seat.  This chair is toooooooooooo small.  I'm still looking for the airline seat that is jussssst right!  I've never been offered an extender (thankfully) and I still do have some slack on the belt but when I end up in a row with other bodies my size, we get much more up close and personal than any of us are prepared for.

This week consisted of four flights.  San Diego to Chicago, Chicago to Dayton, Dayton to Fort Worth, Fort Worth to San Diego.

San Diego to Dayton
First let me say that flying economy can make you feel like nothing less than cattle.  When they began calling boarding groups...I was number 8.  Seven groups were deemed worthy of boarding the plane prior to me.  I'm assuming that must be some kind of  Price Line punishment.  Most of us in group 8 looked at each other like "You're not independently wealthy either, huh?"  If nothing else, it did bond us as the lower class.

There's a Whole Bunch of Awkward Coming

Today I had a moment of painful reality hit....it was not pretty. This morning I received a lovely package of clothes that I ordered online.  I excitedly opened the package and began pulling out tops of various colors and sizes only to think....Oh my Lord....these look huge!   What size did I order...double wide?  They will never fit! Oh well...I bought them on clearance (which would be my secret indulgence during very bad bouts of insomnia!) and Coldwater Creek is actually very good about returns.  Ahhhh.....may as well try them on.   This is where my nightmare began.

They fit.

Like a glove.

I have officially left the land of the chubby to being able to wear a small tent....albeit a very fashionable one.  I must say, also, that turquoise and purple are still my favorite colors in spite of the fact that an entire Indian tribe should be able to share these shirts with me.  Maybe if I loose weight, I could double my wardrobe with the services of a good tailor.

This reality also reminded me of an additional horror...I am about to embark on a plane ride in 9 days to Dayton, Ohio for the Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop.  I have been looking forward to this for two years now - the last workshop was amazing.  A trip to Dayton requires me to board a plane....with my over sized body and sit with two strangers for four hours.  My last flight included me sitting between a large woman and average sized man....who could not figure out why his arm rest would not go down.  I was unfortunately spilling over onto his seat....just as my neighbor was spilling into mine.

A summary of exercise and the Fat Suit!

Exercise has always been my archnemesis.    Working out has a way of making me feel better and worse about myself simultaneously.  We all know the drill….calories in balanced with calories out.  I have tried a variety of cardiovascular pursuits and have come to one conclusion….I need to eat less.

First there was yoga.  Stretch your body in an assortment of poses – most resembling an animal…or a piece of furniture.  This would be where the problem arose.  In a room of tables, I was the only ottoman.  While the wispy women in the front were doing tree…I was doing overgrown shrub.  Ignorance to how I looked was impossible.  Mirrors were everywhere.  It confirmed in my mind that an apple can never be a tree.

Way back when I used to be cute...

My workplace was recently redecorated...painted, new flooring, new artwork...the works.  As with any redecorating project, it began with lots and lots of packing.  The entire school was alternately packing and unpacking...moving boxes from this room to that room....all while continuing to take care of our ample student population.  I moved my boxes home...it seemed easier to keep control.  It also allowed me a chance to go through my decorations and do some redecorating of my own.  Out came a variety of "new" family pictures to share with any unsuspecting person entering my office.

As I had never brought wedding pictures into my office, it seemed time to do so.  Everyone has met my husband...as a matter of fact, most of the staff remind me that if we ever split up, it would likely be my fault since he is a saint and I can be a bit cranky at times.  Noted.  So...wedding pictures up.  Little did I know what type of comments they would spark. 

"This is you?"  "Yep...on my wedding day."  "Wow...how long ago was that?"  "Eleven years ago."  "You looked reallllllllllllllllly different then (emphasis on reallllllllllllllllllyyyyy)!"  "Ummmmmm.....thanks?" 

New year...New Resolutions?

Here we are....January 1st...again.  I looked for my New Years Resolutions from last year.  I have effectively buried them in a pile of paperwork, most likely with "get more organized" topping the list.  I also, I'm sure, had the standard "loose weight", "exercise more" and "finish school" somewhere on the page.  One out of four is not bad.  I did finish school.  I officially have my MSN.  I also did loose weight....several times if I remember correctly.  Fortunately, I haven't been writing goals of "weigh less at the end of the year"....that would be a very different story!

 
So now I'm faced with starting 2012.  What do I want this year?  I decided to look at what I got accomplished today and base my goals of of that.  I did exercise today so I feel safe about putting that on my list.  I started Turbo Jam and after five minutes, I realized that regardless of how perky Charlene Johnson is, she's not trying to do those moves with an extra 60 pounds on her, so i grabbed my back up video of Slim in Six instead.  This fit my pace and I didn't have to find my inhaler to finish!  I then got reacquainted with my treadmill.  It seemed happy albeit I'm sure wondering why I was heavier since we last spent time together.  I put it at the full incline and walked 2.9 miles an hour for a mile - about 20 minutes.  I felt accomplished and like I'm starting the year off in a positive way.  Only 364 more days to go!

Living in Latex

Spanx are supposed to be the dirty little secret that overweight women keep to themselves.  Why, oh why, then do I feel the need to announce to my coworkers that I'm a Spanx junkie?  I'll tell you why....it's my obsessive fear of my genetics!  My father has had a quadruple bypass...my mother several strokes.  I did not win the genetic lottery.  I inherited my fathers quirky sense of humor and my mothers assurance that I will outlive any famine.  Both of my parents enjoyed writing so it's no wonder that I feel the need to document the random thoughts that plague my brain.  Family medical history considered however...I'm a potential blockage waiting to clog the cardiovascular highway at any minute.  So thus is my Spanx dilemma.  I lie awake playing it out in my mind....

Go Tell it on the Mountain

My brother Dave called me last week and asked me to go hiking up Cowles Mountain with him.   Since I would do just about anything to spend time with my brother, who I must say was about my best friend in the world when I was growing up, I eagerly slotted time in.  Saturday morning at 6:30am?  You bet!  Let me start with telling you that he was there at 6:15am and wide awake.  I was dressed and feeling the effects of living through a corporate audit the week before...technically awake, but my brain was numb. 

We picked up water and headed for the hills.  Cowles was busy....no space in the parking lot so we had to park a ways down the street and walk up to the starting point.  Let me stress that again...walk up to the starting point.  My brother took off on the sidewalk and I jumped in beside him.  I was panting on about step three.  Let me preface this with saying that Dave just finished 90 days of P90X.  I just finished 90 days of what?.....sitting behind a computer working on my Master's Thesis.....sitting behind a computer working on my five year program renewal for work....sitting behind a computer preparing for our company audit....you can see that we had a slight imbalance in our physical abilities....let's break it down even more....he's a guy who's fit and I'm a gal who's fat.

Stress and the Steering Wheel

I took a little trip to Los Angeles on Thursday.  Actually, there is no true "little trip" to LA.  There is only stress filled bouts with endless traffic that bring back memories of stress filled endless bouts of traffic from when I lived in Pasadena.  To complicate matters, I woke up late.  That is....I woke up late the second time I woke up.  The first time was at 4:30am - a reasonable hour if you are planning a three hour drive.  I laid back down....for just a sec....and rewoke at 6:15am....on a day when I needed to be near the LAX at 10:00am.  With no traffic, Google maps stated that the drive would take 2 hours and 12 minutes if I used the 73 (a toll road) to avoid the 405/5 interchange.  I tried to recalculate how long it would take with traffic.....hmmmmm....2 days.  A slight exaggeration but for those that have driven there, you know it only slight.   I looked for any toll road that I could pay $100.00 and have a clear shot....apparently it does not exist. 

Eat, Pray, Study...and Eat

I am in my final week of my second to the last class of my MSN.  In two weeks, I will be in my final class.  I'm trying not to hit the celebratory wine early.  I still have several projects due including one on Tuesday.  Sigh....so close!  I mention this only because if you have read my earlier posts, you know that I am clearly defined as a stress eater.  I was hoping to outgrow this character flaw at some point, but just like my hobbit feet, it appears to be deeply ingrained in my being.

 This is complicated by the fact that my son faulted me with the dog chewing up something in his room.  I was personally thankful that he was gnawing on something other than a fifth pair of my shoes.  I was, however, the one that left his bedroom door open.  He has a full length mirror in his room.  The one in my office must have come from a circus as it has a slight wave to the middle which makes my waist look anywhere from 5 inches to 45 feet.  Not exactly the best thing to use before leaving the house.  When I'm trying to avoid my homework, I sit in front of it and watch my face turn from conehead to microface.  (You know you would do the same thing if you had one!)  So....I borrowed Tommy's mirror and left the door open.  I found the mirror in my bedroom the following morning with a note saying "Take it!"  I'm sure he meant that in a much more giving manner than it came out!

Who Are All These People?

I have officially lived through another high school reunion....and am starting to wonder if I was actually home schooled and just forgot.  To borrow a friends comment -"I didn't 'feel' unpopular when I was in high school, but.....".  Now, I should mention that my graduating class had about 1000 kids in it.  That fact should make me feel better....no one could know our entire graduating class.  But you would think that I would know....say....10 people?  I think that was about it, or so  it felt.  What complicated the evening is that most of the group of kids that I hung out with didn't show....there was only me and my best friend in high school there to represent our, from what I have memories of, very close knit group.  The rest of the people were a little fuzzy to me. 

Now the evening started with a slight bit of wardrobe malfunction.  I was wearing my tribal tunic and black pants only to realize that.....wow....this top is a little lower cut than I normally would wear.  I think I would have ventured out anyway had my son not said "Wow, Mom....planning on shaking hands with those things?"   I ran to the bedroom for a black cami and discovered that the only cami I could find had an embroidered design on the chest.  Now I was no longer low cut....but sort of lumpy...again, not the look I was going for.  This prompted an emergency phone call to Loree for a black cami.....You may be unaware that Loree is a bit more petite than I am....I don't know if her cami will ever be the same; I think I may have to buy her a new one.   I was more comfortable, however, and ventured off to Torrey Pines.

I had managed to get several things done during a jam packed day....help move a truck load of concrete blocks from the backyard, fit in a Scrabble game with my dad, get my toes and fingernails done.....but I did miss out on getting my car washed.  I pulled into Torrey Pines Hilton driving my incredible dirty (remember, I live in a construction zone right now!) 2005 Honda Civic feeling like a teenage kid driving her parents beater car.  I was happy to see a white mini van in front of me looking like they were building a retaining wall also....

I found my friend Cheri and we walked into the reception area.  A bit of history....I have been to three high school reunions now.  My ten year reunion found me a few weeks after splitting up with my husband, unemployed, just having discovered that I was pregnant (surprise!) with my third child and on welfare.  Do I need to explain why I felt the need to attend the 20 year?  I did feel a need to state that I was not sucking the California budget dry and was self supporting.   The 30 year was more of an optional activity for me but Cheri assured me that we would go together, so I decided to go.  I think I had blocked out what I was already realizing at the 20 year....that I didn't really know that many people.  I did also realize, however, that I am a people watcher at heart and this was yet another opportunity to sit quietly and take in the action around me.
Overall, the night was fun...and interesting.  The first person that came up to us made it extremely clear that she had no memory of me but did somewhat remember Cheri.  This stung a bit since I did remember her...or so I thought.   After looking in the yearbook, I was confusing her with another girl with the same last name....turns out I didn't know her either!  I did, however, meet up with about five people who did remember me and I remembered them...always a good combination.

Can you find me?

I sat with one woman for a few minutes who thought that I must be a spouse since I was sitting alone, seemingly completely friendless.  I assured her that my friends had just left to get drinks....or something....Hey...where did those guys go?   During the conversation, we discovered that we had both been on the Drill Team (I know...I know...cheerleading for fat chicks...my son already told me!) at the same time.  I couldn't place her and it was obvious that she was having the same memory lapse.  I hit up my yearbooks today.  In the Drill Team pictures, we..are..right...next...to...each...other....!  Please note that Patrick Henry also seemed to intentionally make us as ugly as possible - we marched in wool green dresses, knee high lace up boots and "patriot" curls.  Its a wonder that any of us ever did get a date!

I did run into an old boyfriend....I believe he was about the overall nicest guy that I knew in high school.  He is now a successful business owner in San Diego.  It was good to see him as it did validate that I had some sort of social life in high school! 

My son and I sat with his friends and looked through my old yearbooks.  Apparently I did have friends....and a whole lot of people that wrote...."I wish I would have gotten to know you better because you seem really nice".  I'm starting to think that I truly was Romie or Michelle - not realizing that everyone was pointing and staring during my three years and I was just oblivious to it!  Now, I did have the last name of Pugh (pronounced like a church Pew) which did open up some teenage torture opportunities but it all seemed pretty good natured at the time.  Little did I know.....



Drama Production - I don't think I look like an outcast!

I left after about three hours and drove home, reflecting on my high school experience.  I actually had a blast and was in the middle class group - not with the popular kids but not hanging out in the smoking section getting stoned.  I was on Drill Team for 10th grade, Drama Production for 11th grade and worked after school in my senior year.  I had a group of about twelve good friends that accompanied me to Farrells Ice Cream Parlor, House of Ice Skating Rink and Dairy Queen at lunch.  Some of us still get together about twice a year...or whenever we remember that we are all still friends.  The other thing that I remember is that we really didn't have the "Mean Girls" type of popular group.   All the kids were pretty nice to everyone....or I may have just blocked that out, I guess.

Proof that I did have some friends!

Am I glad to not be a teenager anymore?....you bet!  I was very insecure in my saddle seat dittos (you will only know what they are if your over 40) that was covered up with my even then, quirky sense of humor.  I think I like life better in my 40's.   First, I don't have to wear pants that have a seam running up and over my rear and I was able to give up on buying the "in" fashions about the same time that my knees disappeared.  I've decided that being 50 must be even more liberating since you are suddenly allowed to wear purple hats everywhere.  The one thing that I do miss from seeing these pictures is a waist - I do remember enjoying having one.

Now my last picture is of me but that is not who I really want you to focus on.  Please focus on the guy standing.....behind me...and to the right.  Anyone remember OP shorts?  Yes....it's true...in the late 70's and early 80's, it was the guys that were wearing short-shorts.  Yet another fad that I am happy to be without. 
Hope you all have a great night!

Tale of the Leopard Dress

I went shopping yesterday....with Joy, my boss. I have my 30 years reunion coming up and needed something that says..."I'm overweight but still attractive, pushing 50 but still young and successful in my career but not stuffy". It's alot to ask for one outfit...the pressure was on. We were headed towards TJ Max when we spied a Lane Bryant. Now, if you have read my earlier post, you know my relationship with LB. I entered warily, knowing that I had to be on guard for sequins! Thankfully, the Christmas attire was not out in August.

I was greeted, however, with a Tribal Tunic that showed promise. (I did flirt with a purple sequined tank but made it absolutely clear that we could only be friends in the dressing room....it was absolutely not going home with me!) The top was embellished but not overwhelmed with sparkles. The cut also was perfect....gathered under the bust to slide gracefully past the trouble spots (or so I've learned on What Not to Wear). Joy helped me find some dress pants which took some effort...the first pair was swimming on me....leading me to think that my LB shopping may be coming to a close soon (yeah!). The second pair fit up top but hung mercilessly to my ankles...exposing my hobbit feet. The third pair was just like the three bears story....they fit perfectly! We managed to also find a pair of black sandals with the same embellishments that peeked nicely from my perfect pants.

I thought that I was done...until....a leopard spotted dress caught my eye. First of all...the fact that any dress caught my eye only reinforced in my mind that I must be hormonal....I don't wear dresses. You can see in my 2009 posts that I have dress induced anxiety disorder....I also have nylon induced PTSD. I don't wear dresses. But for some reason...it could be that I just read an article about the crowning of Ms. Cougar 2011 (I can only ask.....why?) but the dress whispered to me....I can cover all of your flaws with my leopard spots...I meet all of your criteria...young...slimming...and not stuffy! I showed it to Joy who told me...that was the dress that I picked out for you! Wow...it was meant to be....I tried it on. Guess what...it was....slimming, young and not stuffy....and it didn't look too bad as it slipped delightfully past my missing knees. Not too long...not too short. I bought it. I must add that the pictures are of LB models...please do not adjust your screen....you're right...no dress will make me look that good!

Today I went to a wedding. I decided to plunge in. Yeah! A place to wear my dress. I touched up my toes...grabbed the liquid tan and started getting ready. I was faced with so many questions!! Do people wear nylons anymore? Even so...can you wear nylons with open toed shoes? Do I need a slip? Do they make those anymore? Can I wear Spanx? (I must say on the last one...I tried but was overwhelmed by the swish swish noise erupting from below my waist!). I felt like a divorced woman going on her first date. After primping and prancing in the mirror and looking at every angle that I could see (I opted to ignore my backside since seeing it up close in Leopard spots would undoubtedly make me loose me nerve), put on my heels and left the house with Loree.

We arrived at the wedding in Spring Valley and I was met with the realization that strong winds and dresses do not mix. The dress if fairly light. I held my hands stiffly at my sides and gave anyone that tried to hug me a quick clasp while hanging onto my dress for dear life. I felt positively unnerved...what happens if my dress flies up? Will any of these young single guys ever entertain marriage afterward? Will the thought of what becomes of old married women in dresses give them nightmares? I was grateful when we moved indoors...no wind.

I then was encountered with sitting and standing during a wedding. I would try to run my hand over my rear in an attempt to be sure that I was sitting on the dress. I kept pulling it down over my legs. I was impressed with Loree crossing her legs....I knew that I would be too focused on where the hem line was to do anything other than sit with my ankles crossed. Each time I rose, I envisioned my dress caught in some random skin fold and exposing my entire backside to the people behind me. I have decided that for me...dresses should be accompanied by a side of Ativan. I'm going to have to work up to wearing one for a whole day....this could take years!

All in all, I had several compliments...including from my son and husband. I guess the stress was worth it. I did feel pretty...and younger in it. I'll continue to work on my relationship with the dress...as with all relationships....they take time to nurture and grow. Hopefully the dress and I will make peace at about the same time that my knees return!

Love to you all!

Life as I Know It

OK - another five pounds down and a successful trip to the MD.  My cholesterol is down 50 points, my blood pressure was within normal range and apparently I don't look as anxious as I did the last time I saw him.  I thought back to my last appointment....January...right after I took my new position.  Suddenly it all made sense!  I was pretty stressed out then....now I've reached a point of calm.  I enjoy the students...I've found a good balance between teaching and administration and I'm wrapping up my MSN.  I am no longer buying wine by the box!  I'm onto the little self regulating individual serving bottles. 

I do feel calmer and in some ways, more....can I say it?....attractive?  I still have all my other Samwise Gamgee traits....large feet, stocky body and red hair (albeit that one is by choice!) but I am feeling like a more feminine version of Sam...maybe something like Sam's wife...hmmm...without the curly hair and young face.  At least if I'm going to resemble a hobbit, I'm looking more like a female one!

I bought a treadmill from my friend Loree.  I know that everyone warned me that it would quickly become a clothes hanger but believe it or not...I'm using it!  I love it!  I put it at an incline of 8 and 3mph and go to town.  I am being warned by my family that I need to get it out of the Living Room - Matt wants me to keep it in the garage so he can sweat more while using it.  I have a feeling that if I sweat that much, they will find me passed out and covered with the neighborhood cats.  I like my exercise the way I like my...well....every other activity...in air conditioning and with some form of music or visuals to take my mind off it!

I also may add that in the Living Room I have the ability to watch my dog.  He stays in great shape by chasing his tail....for hours....like a little Tasmanian Devil spinning about the room.  He catches it sometimes...and chews on it...looking surprised that something is causing him pain.  That is quickly replaced, however, with that pesky thing moving at his backside and he's off and spinning again!  We have decided that....he's just not...that... smart.  But he's thin....there is always a trade off somehow, isn't there?  I'd try his method but alas...I have no tail...and my if I tried to spin like that, I would break something...most likely a hip. 

The other thing that has changed is how I order from restaurants.  Does anyone else feel that the calorie count on the menu's has completely ruined the dining experience?  Why even go out anymore?  I am typically relegated to soup and salad if I want to stay under 500 calories.  There is really no happy medium....everything else is 1500 calories and rising.  They even force me to look at the calorie count of the free chips and salsa....Come on!  They're supposed to be free!  Beat the calories out of them if you have to....!  In the end, however, I guess informed decisions are the best.  It has changed how I look at eating out...I can no longer rationalize eating an entire days (or two!) worth of calories at one meal....I do still feel at times, however, that ignorance was bliss....in spite of how it affected my pants size!

So...I still have a lot of weight to loose.   I still have my fat suit....but it is in a smaller size.  I still have the uni-leg and my knees continue to hide from me.  Overall, however...that's OK!  If I take a long time to shed my suit, maybe I'll have time to adjust to not wearing it.  And my fat suit does have some special things that  I love about it.  Some people get lost inside of theirs....mine is pretty transparent...you can still see me inside of it.  Who I am is pretty much who I am at any size...a hobbit that loves to laugh!

Love to you all!

Summer.....Shudder.....

I'm feeling the anxiety building.  Memorial Day is coming...what to most people is just a delightful three day weekend.  But to me...and to other fat suit wearers, it means something much more sinister.  Summer is here.  And for this weekend....it's not just summer....it's summer in Yuma.  Eric and I have decided to visit my brother this weekend....in Yuma.... a house that contains two adults, about six dogs and my archnemesis...the pool. 

San Diego has been very kind to me this year.  It was still raining up until a week ago.  I could still wear jeans on Saturday's and no one batted an eye.  I'm thinking that you can get away with long pants in San Diego up to about the 78 degree mark.  When you hit 80, layers shed like snakeskin.  Suddenly everyone is in short shorts and Cami tops....and....(shudder).....bathing suits.  I do own a bathing suit.  I bought it about three years ago...it has never been worn.  Mainly because I can't wear a pair of jeans under it...or Spanx.  

This weekend, however, it is slated to be 101 degrees in Yuma.  I will look like an imbecile in jeans....or sweats....or anything besides shorts.  It will be similar to the 15-mile training walk that I took preparing for the 3-day in which I forgot three very important items....water....a hat...and sunscreen.  I almost passed out at the end.   Yep.....I got nothing to counter that.  I was an idiot.

So.....my fat suit is complicated with one other problem.  My legs have not seen the sun since 2006.  I believe that was about the time that I lost my knees.  I can feel my patella if I wade through the fatty tissue, but it is definitely not visible to the naked eye.  So...if I wear a swim suit, I will have to deal with explaining why my legs are fluorescent white....why my legs seemingly have joined together to make one big leg...and why I have no knees.  You can see why I'm having anxiety.  Thank God it's family. 

Now, I have been busy since the last time I wrote.  I have lost 15 pounds.  My pants are looser.  My waist in smaller.  My friend has told me on numerous occasions that my shirts don't spread tightly on my midsection anymore.  Side note....if you see me wearing something that makes me look fatter.....please comment.  I have a thick skin...I can take it.   I'd rather have you say something than find out by ending up on the "People in Walmart" website.   I am eating healthier....fruits, vegetables and lean meats.  Eric and I are somewhat followers of the 17-day Diet.  Not obsessive followers but more like....hmmmm...casual followers.  We are eating healthier but I did partake in a glass of wine tonight.  I had to....the pool is coming.

So.....15 pounds...and still no knees.  I estimate that I need to loose about 20 more pounds before they pop out again.  I do hear that tan skin makes you look thinner.  That may be good....as I reach for the Jergens self tanner.  I may end up orange but at least I won't be sheet white.  I can't do anything about the uni-leg by Saturday.  Maybe I can invest in a nice wrap.  Do they make ones that cover you from sternum to ankle?  I do have ankles still.  I don't mind people seeing those...just nothing any higher!

OK....I'm going to just go with it.  It's family.  They love me in spite of my flaws.  Heck, at this point, I may just remind them of my mother.  I remember thinking that she was big when I was a teenager....you know....when i was a size 9 in Saddle Back Ditto's.  Back when I had two thighs and knees.  Now?  I look in mirror and realize that I don't just resemble her....I became her!   Only her without all the talent!  Who cared if she was big?  She could play the guitar, piano, organ and believe it or not....the accordion.  She sewed, cooked and sang.  Amazing talent all wrapped up in her own fat suit.  As we grew to appreciate what an amazing woman she was, no one saw the fat suit....they only saw incredible talent. 

Maybe I could learn to juggle by Saturday. 

Say a prayer for me.....I may end up with PTSD....and my family could end up blind from the sun reflecting off my legs.   Maybe i can go vintage on the bathing suit....what do you think?

Love to you all!

Big and Bulky

I'm moving to Chicago.  I'm here for a work conference and I've decided....it's a fabulous city...with amazingly tall buildings, huge stores and lots of hustle and bustle.  None of these are reasons that I want to move here.  I want to move here because I get to wear a long coat and a scarf....and I look...just like everyone else.  I'm not the fat chick when I'm out walking here...we're all fat chicks!  It's a world of solid blocks of trench coats, bulky scarfs and hats and there's not a belly button ring in sight.  I love it here!!!!

I think at some point, I'm going to save enough money to just follow winter around the planet.  When summer comes to San Diego, I'll just head to Chicago...and then maybe Alaska....anywhere that I can wear a coat!  I'll work remotely and follow the rain...and snow...and become the human form of a walrus.  Don't laugh...in a famine, I bet the walrus's will survive!

Or...I could just follow a new friends example...she did this crazy diet and lost 110 pounds.  It's called the.."I just ate less" diet.  Weird, huh?  She has a great plan...she just thinks through her decisions when she eats.  Its just so out there that it just might work...I'm going to eat a bit more of my Garretts popcorn and then will make the decision to put it away, in hopes that this will be the first of a long line of decisions.   Decisions that will enable me to give up my trench coat.

Since I don't see independent wealth in my future, this may be the better option.  I am faced with decisions regarding food about....every 30 minutes...on a good day.  About every 10 seconds on a bad one.  I've already confessed that I am a complete stress eater...with a bit of Prader Willi's on the side.  On a bad day, I can down my lunch, your lunch and the leftover food from the guy at the next table.  I'll be full, mind you, but will still keep eating.  So the first decision may be to just stop...at my plate.  Or even to just stop...at one serving.  Or to just walk away if I'm not hungry.   Now...the popcorn is staring at me...but I'm walking away.

Are my hips smaller yet?

Have a good night....I'll be under the covers hiding from my popcorn!  Love to you all!