My worlds collide....

I have my life very compartmentalized.  I have my work....my family....my school....my never ending struggle with my body.  It's all very separate....until now.   One of my classes is Health Promotion and Disease Prevention in a Diverse Community.  I am on Unit 2 and apparently the Diverse Community is....me.   My paper that is due tomorrow requires me to make a Wellness contract outlining some health issue that I am promising to change in the next four weeks.  OK...you know me....what the heck else could I choose?  You got it....I chose my weight.  Why not...I'm an expert in how to discuss...write about...and contemplate weight loss.  Now apparently my instructor would like me to go to the next level...you know....actually loose some weight.  Is there a grade on this?

I needed to have my Contract signed by someone....I chose my husband.  Why not?  He has seen my unclothed...there is no hiding my weight problem from him.  I do appreciate that he only let a small smirk show while he signed the contract.   He then turned around and didn't comment....smart man.  I believe that part of his smirk relates to his knowing my type A personality with school and my Type D personality with my weight loss.  I think he backed up to avoid getting caught up in the implosion.

How does my work become involved?   I have been hit and miss at the gym the last few weeks.  I work out with Joy when I'm there - she is my own personal trainer....and personal motivator.  No more hit and miss now....I have to be there.  Again...there may be a grade on the line!  Wow...I should have thought of this earlier.  Joy is great at pushing me when I need it.  I will also need to up my walking from my weekend walks to more during the week.  Hey...I may need to take a vacation since I don't see any time to work fitting in here!

So....I will let you know how it goes.  I'm going back to what has worked before....Weight Watchers.  I have the point system and know my goal.  I have to keep a goal diary for four weeks.  It would be quite lovely if I could actually keep it up for....say....the next four years instead....or the next forty if I live that long.  I know I need lifelong changes.  Forgo the snackage.  See food as a means of survival rather than a comforting friend in times of stress.  It really is pretty two faced as a friend anyway....when I'm not looking, it hits me in the pants size.  Not a sign of a good friend. 

I'll check in next week and let you know how its going.   I'll be praying to convert my weight loss personality into a type A....there has to be a reset button on me somewhere.  It's time I find it. 

Zipping down the Zipline!

Aha!  Another milestone!  I broke out of my big girl bondage to take the Flightline at Wild Animal Park.   My Breast Cancer 3 Day team decided to take the trip together.  Gloria, Loree and I spent the morning at the Breast Cancer 3-Day Expo (which was amazing since we met and recruited our fourth team member!) and then hustled to Escondido for our adventure.  It was a fantastic trip...well worth the several, although subtle, reminders of my big girl status. The Flightline experience begins with.....wow....getting weighed.  There are strict stipulations regarding weight.  You must weight between 75 and 250 pounds.  I assume that the decision to actually weigh everyone came from the frightening thought of arguing with a large woman who swears that she is under 250 but is most obviously in the 300 pound range.  Would you want to take that on?  Yeah...me either.  As a fat girl, I can tell you.....we get very cranky when our weight comes up. 

So...on the scale I go.  Its a huge metal square actually in the ground.  I looked around for a neon light above me bellowing my weight to everyone around.  The attendant was good...he didn't even blink an eye.  He just stamped my hand and handed me some forms.  Yeah!  I passed the first test!  As I was walking to the next check point, I glanced at my forms.  What is that..number..in...the...bottom...corner?  Oh....that looks oddly familiar....and wow....that's...my...weight...in...writing....!  I quickly turned it over and handed it to the next attendant.  No such luck.  He flipped it right back and reached behind him for a harness.  A big one.  Hey...in the grand scheme of things...at least there was one that fit!

We got a quick class on putting the harness on.  Ties, buckles, clips everywhere.  This is good, since they would be responsible for keeping us safe 60 feet above the ground.  We also learned the difference between the flight position (arms bent and pulling the straps to the shoulders) and the landing position (arms straight and laying back into the sling).  After the harness is on, we walked up a ramp to the Fledgling run.  It is small and only about six feet off the ground.  The attendant, who I must comment weights about 90 pounds, sizes us up.  She picks four of us....we all notice that size is definitely a factor since we are all bigger than the other four remaining visitors.  This is a bit depressing since out of eight people, I was chosen second.  No problem.  I can take it.  She explains that on this run, the brakes can only be set as a group.  The next run can be set individually so we can go with whoever we want.  Good, I think.   Little did I know....

We get strapped onto the line and hover for a few moments, swinging in the air.  The attendant reminds us again to keep our legs apart.  No problem...my knees haven't been able to touch in years.  I get into flight position and she releases the brake.  Fast...fast...fast....soaring towards some very calm gentlemen on the opposing platform.  He has two orange sticks up in the air signaling me to stay in flight position.  As he moves the sticks downward to signal the landing position, I suddenly hit a series of brakes designed to slow me down.  BAM....BAM....BAM....Very loud...vary jarring.....Very effective!  I stopped....and before he had to jump out of the way!   Fifteen seconds and it was over.  Thank Goodness that this is the short run.  I swayed for a few moments and then he brought me over a step ladder to stand on while he disconnected me.   Loree and I watched the remainder of the group take their trip and then jumped aboard a truck to take us to the Mainline. 

The Mainline starts on a platform 60 feet above the ground.  It looks more like 160 feet.  You can't even see the wires for a few minutes.  It looks like you will sailing off into....nowhere!  Gloria, Loree and I were all going first.  Our guide began telling us what number we would be.  I was number 3.  I was reminded of the whole "independent brake" issue when I heard our guide on the radio.   We have a R on line 2, a F on line 3 and a W on line 4.  I'm assuming that meant Regular for Loree, Wispy for Gloria and Fat Girl for me.  This was later confirmed when we heard the responding radio later say...."We can't take a F on line 1.....the brakes won't take it!"  In the end, do I want the Fat Brakes?  You bet....Forget my pride....I don't want to have the little girl brakes and end up on the other side of the platform...falling into the lions den!  Don't think that they weren't looking up and sizing me....a meal fit for the whole pride!

The ride was great.  Two minutes of soaring like a Condor, as the add states!  The animals were running around beneath us....most likely thinking...Wow...That's one well fed Condor!  Eventually the other platform came into view with the attendant holding the orange sticks.  Down they go - I push into landing position.  Here we go again.... BAM...BAM...BAM...BAM....I stop....and then slowly start moving backward....off of the platform....hanging in the air....I start flapping like a Condor...trying to get back above the platform.  I must have looked ridiculous since the attendant yelled...."It's OK....you'll come back!"   I did...and then swayed in the air while Loree and Gloria joined me.  Each of us got unhooked and walked back to the gate to complete our journey. 

It was a great day.  One I will most likely repeat.  I'm almost ready to do the sky diving but since that requires me to make some stranger strap up with me, I think it's more socially conscious to wait.   I can't decide if I want a 250 pound guy that will at least absorb some of my weight or some 150 pound guy that will make us less likely to fall like a rock!   Sooooo....that may still be a distant goal at this point.  But...that's OK!  I'm still going to live right now in other ways.  I'm still focusing on taking the weight off, but plan on just living while I'm doing it.  I started reading a book by Loretta LaRoche called "Lighten Up!".  To give you an idea of what she writes, she has another book titled "Life is Short-Wear Your Party Pants".  I'm enjoying her point of view.  Eat less...exercise more....and stop perseverating about it.  I may just be able to make this work!

Love to you all!

Candy is sweet....but victory is sweeter!

Victory!!!!  Victory is mine...I did the Kick Boxing class again and did not...a) pass out, b) throw up or c) leave at the 30 minute mark.  Joy and I did leave a few minutes early but only to get ready for work.  I believe I actually had an asthma attack with an audible wheeze at some point , but the music was so loud that I figured that no one could hear me anyway.  Actually, at one point, I couldn't tell if I was getting my beat from the bass in the music or from my carotid arteries pounding in my ears.  I believe I actually went past "red faced" and reached a new shade of periwinkle...red from the blood pounding in my head and blue from the fact that I was still getting no oxygen in.  Joy came over twice to whisper.."are you OK?"  I smiled and gasped...."Yeah...great....why?"  It may have been the fact that those three words took about 3 minutes and several gasps of air each to get out.  But who cares.......I didn't leave!!!!!!!!!

I still believe that the teacher is some form of animal.  She asked us twice to try to kick her as she walked by.  "Kick with force...try to get me in the head when I come by...."   I can kick high.  It was tempting.  She was very encouraging as she passed though and even waved when we left.  I think she was relieved.  She looked a little disturbed when she first came in like she was thinking....great, the wimpy fat girl is back.  I felt a little more respected when I left.  My kicks may not have been as high and I may have been jabbing when others were upper cutting but overall, I was moving....fast....hard....blue...but still....moving! 



Have you ever seen the Nutrigrain commercial in which the woman grabs a breakfast bar instead of a donut and this spurs on a full day of good choices?  I won't say that I made every great choice today but I did not hit the candy jar even once.  Nope.....I was not going to waste one back kick....one upper jab or one step of that infernal jump rope on refined sweets.  I needed to prove something to myself today.  It worked....I was on a high all day.  It took about two hours for my face to return to normal...I was walking around looking like a radiation victim for quite a while.  Again....who cares!!!!  I didn't leave!!!!!!

Soooo.....I will be heading for bed in a few minutes so that I can resume my healthy habit of waking at 4am and hitting the gym at 5am.  I feel good today....I had a brief glimpse of why people can get addicted to exercise.  I don't really think it's that actual exercise that does it....it's making it to the end and saying...Hey!  I did it!  So while this may seem like a very small accomplishment....I will relish it and let it carry me through to another day...and another.  Life is good.....

Breaking the Big Girl Bonds

Eric and I took a hike today at Seltzer park.  He made a comment that I have heard several times before...."boy, you walk fast".  The last time that I heard this was on a 6 1/2 mile walk around Mission Hills.  Now, that time, my friend phrased it as "For someone who says that she doesn't walk alot, you sure do walk fast".  I think she was actually thinking something else....something akin to "for a big girl, you sure do move quicker than I would think you could!".  She's a good friend though, so I appreciate her choice of wording!  I DO walk fast.   I explained to her that whenever we get started on a walk, I am only thinking of one thing....when will we be done?  I am like a horse charging towards the stables....although I begin my charge from the moment that we start.  I decided not to even try changing it.  It seems to be working for me.

I break one other big girl fallacy....I actually do have some rhythm.  I know I have said that I am true to my Kentucky roots but I actually can find the beat in a song.  I've had people gasp in amazement that I can stay in time to music....I can only think that people think when you gain weight, you loose all sense of balance.  I won't argue that fact since we all know that I fell in the hallway a few weeks ago.  I think, overall, however, that my size 10 feet help the balance thing alot.  Either way, I can actually keep time and it's kind of enjoyable to see everyones surprise when the music is playing.  Now, I won't say that it's pretty...just in time with the music. 

This was my revelation during my hike - that we all have preconceived notions of how people should act.  Fat people should be slow and have no rhythm.  Thin people should be fast and be able to dance up a storm.  In then end, we are all still who we are, regardless of what our outside looks like.  I think that brings me comfort.  I think many times I am trying to fit into a mold of what I think others are expecting....and in the end, I don't think anyone else actually even cares! 

There are so many things that I am holding off of in life because of my weight.  I want to go skydiving and go on the Zip line at the Wild Animal Park.  I am thinking that dropping a few pounds may make both of these activities safer and more enjoyable.  Since skydiving for beginners is only done in tandem, I am not relishing the idea of being strapped to some 150 pound guy that is crossing himself and wondering  "Why me?"  I'm sure also, that we would fall like a rock and the trip may be a bit slower if I was a bit smaller.  But.....how long do I wait?  How much more do I miss?  I don't even go swimming anymore because I hate getting into a swimsuit.  Several summers have come and gone and I haven't been to a beach or anywhere where I would be expected to be in swimwear.  Maybe it's time to let go, still work on my weight, but not let it consume my life so much. 

Let me know your thoughts.  Loree and I are planning on doing the Zip line in August.  I am hoping that they don't weigh you first....but I also know that I don't want to "weight" anymore.  Life is short.  I had a friend pass away a few weeks ago and I learned several things from his passing.  The most important one was...Don't waste time...He never seemed to waste any time on anger, regret or feeling sorry for himself.  He died of very painful pancreatic cancer and was making jokes up until the last days of his life.  How cool is that?

I leave you with a quote from Erma Bombeck.  "Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming—Wow!—What a ride!"...zip line, here I come!

Love to you all!

Blame it on the Students

It is 12:45am and I am still up.  Why....why....why?  I just finished this weeks paper that is due tomorrow - 21 hours early....I seem to be making strides.  This class has been a great learning experience although it is requiring much more time than I've become accustomed to.  The instructor is wonderful and provides great examples of each project.  This, of course, does increase her expectations, I'm sure.  I can't even feign ignorance...

I have decided to blame part of my weight problem....on my students.  My students and the fact that we have a new term every four weeks.  Final exam days have become classroom pot luck days....every four weeks....and I oversee 473 students in 13 on campus classes and 4-6 clinical classes.   I would be fine if I just locked myself in my office every four weeks....but the staff typically bring all the left overs back into our shared work space.  I'm not talking, either, about food that is easy to resist.   We have what rivals a UN meeting in each classroom.  Foods from the Philippines, Mexico, Italy, and the good old US are laid out in metal trays, most of it home cooked.  What is not home cooked is the ever present tin of hot wings, pizza or from today, Brownie bites.  I have been assaulted with smells of lumpia, tamales, ceviche and home made lasagna.  Today I even tried bringing my lunch to decrease my appetite.  I ate it....along with everything else. 

This was not a great plan.

Whats even worse is if I visit the classroom.  In that case, how can you resist a student saying..."You need to try this...I made it..." or even worse, "my mom made it....".  How can I insult someones mother?  It's a sacrifice but if me eating my weight in various foods will make someones mama feel better, I don't see any way out.  I think I'm going to start taking my vacation days on Finals day each month.  Life without lumpia is a bit depressing, I must say, but I know is the better choice for me overall.

So....I think I'll try getting some sleep.  We have lab demo day tomorrow and a three hour course in reading ICD-10 codes.  I guess I could catch up on my sleep there but I'm not thinking that is setting the best example for the staff.  I hope you all have a great day....I will be the one with my eyes propped open, gnawing on a leftover hot wing.  Have a great day!

Is there a trash can nearby?

OK...I did it....I went to the kick boxing class....and...it kicked my butt.  I should have known that I was in trouble when she said, "we're going to kick it up a notch today and use the Step...." Kick it up a notch? Are you kidding?   It was an hour long class....I made it 30 minutes.


At the half-way mark, I had three choices.
1.  Throw up on the floor (and mind you, I was in the front row)
2.  Pass out
3.  Casually excuse myself to go find a cylinder of oxygen.

I decided to go with number 3...it seemed the least disruptive to the class.  Joy stayed and made it the full 60 minutes...and I mean, 60 minutes.  I think she actually went 63 minutes. I did 30 minutes of the elliptical for penance. 

 If you read my party analogy in the last post, now I feel like the unpopular kid that tripped and fell in the middle of the party that my mother got me an invitation to.  But truly, the only thing that is wounded is...my pride...my dignity...and believe it or not, even in the 30 minutes....my arms, shoulders and thighs.  This teacher is an animal...One in really good shape that can move like a machine for 60 minutes and not even breathe hard.

So...I'm whipped...I'm embarrassed....I'm slightly sick to my stomach....and unfortunately, I ran out of BP meds about three days ago so my blood pressure is elevated.  So...tomorrow, I will be hitting up the pharmacy.  I know...I know...I give lectures on this stuff.  Stupid for me to let it run out.  Feel free to yell at me...I would be yelling at you if you did it.   I am attributing my Kick Boxing experience to my elevated blood pressure...sounds good, doesn't it?  I'll be testing my theory, however.  I'm taking that stinking class again on Tuesday...and Thursday...and Tuesday again.  I am going to make it through the whole class if it kills me (which it might!).  I have something to prove to myself.  I AM NOT THE UNPOPULAR KID AT THE CHEERLEADERS PARTY!!!!  I am a successful, intelligent woman that happens to have a weight problem and almost throws up in kickboxing class.....hmmmm....not sounding much better!

So...again....if you have ever been the one who tripped...or fell...or had to leave an exercise class half way through, please share.   I would love to have someone to commiserate with! 

Love to you all!

Would you like a towel?

I'm making strides....at the gym.  Not with my weight...oh no, that has not budged.  But with my confidence level.  Today, my friend Joy wasn't there and I actually spoke to someone else.  This may not seem like a big deal but it was a huge accomplishment for me.  You have to understand that I feel incredibly out of place at the gym....like one of the unpopular kids that finds herself at a cheerleaders party because your Mom's know each other.  I go...I work out...but I pretty much stick to myself if Joy isn't there. 

Today, after working out, two women were discussing the Kick Boxing class.  Now, I am an old TaiBo fan - I love to kick things (Remember, I have three boys!).  This sounded intriguing....so finally I spoke. 
"hmmmm - is the class very advanced?  I mean, could a beginner keep up?"
"It's pretty hard", she replied, "but you should try it...you could always modify it.". 
We continued to talk about the class until another woman joined in and convinced me to go tomorrow.  She was my size so I had an immediate trust in her. 

And....the first woman was buck naked.  Well, she wasn't buck naked when we started talking....but she stripped completely down in a period of two sentences, the whole time looking me right in the eye.  I felt like a was playing some weird game of strip poker...and I was frantically trying to get rid of all of my aces.  This was not a game that I wanted to win!  What made this even more uncomfortable was that this woman has been the recipient of some plastic surgery.....in the chest area...and they were very.....hmmmm.... perky.    I'm sure that she thought I had some impairment since I was literally staring into her eyes...anywhere else held visuals that I don't have of my best friends.  I tried to close up the conversation quickly since she seemed in no hurry to a)grab a towel or b) head to the shower.  When she did head to shower, it was still sans towel....she just casually walked with her naked self across the bathroom and stepped into a stall.  I guess I'm glad for her that she is that comfortable with herself....she just hasn't realized that we are not quite that comfortable with herself...

In spite of the interesting delivery of information, I am glad that I asked.  I plan on doing some imaginary butt kicking tomorrow in the kick boxing class.  Hopefully I will not end up on my rear.  Hopefully, my new friend will feel the need to do another workout afterward so we don't bump into each other in the locker room again.  I'm not thinking that this will happen since she seems to have a similar work schedule to mine and Joys.  Lucky us.....

I'll let you know how it goes...Hopefully, I will come out unscathed...and will find a way to avoid gaining any more "knowledge" of my fellow gym members.  I'm sure they are all nice....I just want them to be nice with clothes on!  Hope you have a great day!