Breaking the Big Girl Bonds

Eric and I took a hike today at Seltzer park.  He made a comment that I have heard several times before...."boy, you walk fast".  The last time that I heard this was on a 6 1/2 mile walk around Mission Hills.  Now, that time, my friend phrased it as "For someone who says that she doesn't walk alot, you sure do walk fast".  I think she was actually thinking something else....something akin to "for a big girl, you sure do move quicker than I would think you could!".  She's a good friend though, so I appreciate her choice of wording!  I DO walk fast.   I explained to her that whenever we get started on a walk, I am only thinking of one thing....when will we be done?  I am like a horse charging towards the stables....although I begin my charge from the moment that we start.  I decided not to even try changing it.  It seems to be working for me.

I break one other big girl fallacy....I actually do have some rhythm.  I know I have said that I am true to my Kentucky roots but I actually can find the beat in a song.  I've had people gasp in amazement that I can stay in time to music....I can only think that people think when you gain weight, you loose all sense of balance.  I won't argue that fact since we all know that I fell in the hallway a few weeks ago.  I think, overall, however, that my size 10 feet help the balance thing alot.  Either way, I can actually keep time and it's kind of enjoyable to see everyones surprise when the music is playing.  Now, I won't say that it's pretty...just in time with the music. 

This was my revelation during my hike - that we all have preconceived notions of how people should act.  Fat people should be slow and have no rhythm.  Thin people should be fast and be able to dance up a storm.  In then end, we are all still who we are, regardless of what our outside looks like.  I think that brings me comfort.  I think many times I am trying to fit into a mold of what I think others are expecting....and in the end, I don't think anyone else actually even cares! 

There are so many things that I am holding off of in life because of my weight.  I want to go skydiving and go on the Zip line at the Wild Animal Park.  I am thinking that dropping a few pounds may make both of these activities safer and more enjoyable.  Since skydiving for beginners is only done in tandem, I am not relishing the idea of being strapped to some 150 pound guy that is crossing himself and wondering  "Why me?"  I'm sure also, that we would fall like a rock and the trip may be a bit slower if I was a bit smaller.  But.....how long do I wait?  How much more do I miss?  I don't even go swimming anymore because I hate getting into a swimsuit.  Several summers have come and gone and I haven't been to a beach or anywhere where I would be expected to be in swimwear.  Maybe it's time to let go, still work on my weight, but not let it consume my life so much. 

Let me know your thoughts.  Loree and I are planning on doing the Zip line in August.  I am hoping that they don't weigh you first....but I also know that I don't want to "weight" anymore.  Life is short.  I had a friend pass away a few weeks ago and I learned several things from his passing.  The most important one was...Don't waste time...He never seemed to waste any time on anger, regret or feeling sorry for himself.  He died of very painful pancreatic cancer and was making jokes up until the last days of his life.  How cool is that?

I leave you with a quote from Erma Bombeck.  "Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming—Wow!—What a ride!"...zip line, here I come!

Love to you all!

Blame it on the Students

It is 12:45am and I am still up.  Why....why....why?  I just finished this weeks paper that is due tomorrow - 21 hours early....I seem to be making strides.  This class has been a great learning experience although it is requiring much more time than I've become accustomed to.  The instructor is wonderful and provides great examples of each project.  This, of course, does increase her expectations, I'm sure.  I can't even feign ignorance...

I have decided to blame part of my weight problem....on my students.  My students and the fact that we have a new term every four weeks.  Final exam days have become classroom pot luck days....every four weeks....and I oversee 473 students in 13 on campus classes and 4-6 clinical classes.   I would be fine if I just locked myself in my office every four weeks....but the staff typically bring all the left overs back into our shared work space.  I'm not talking, either, about food that is easy to resist.   We have what rivals a UN meeting in each classroom.  Foods from the Philippines, Mexico, Italy, and the good old US are laid out in metal trays, most of it home cooked.  What is not home cooked is the ever present tin of hot wings, pizza or from today, Brownie bites.  I have been assaulted with smells of lumpia, tamales, ceviche and home made lasagna.  Today I even tried bringing my lunch to decrease my appetite.  I ate it....along with everything else. 

This was not a great plan.

Whats even worse is if I visit the classroom.  In that case, how can you resist a student saying..."You need to try this...I made it..." or even worse, "my mom made it....".  How can I insult someones mother?  It's a sacrifice but if me eating my weight in various foods will make someones mama feel better, I don't see any way out.  I think I'm going to start taking my vacation days on Finals day each month.  Life without lumpia is a bit depressing, I must say, but I know is the better choice for me overall.

So....I think I'll try getting some sleep.  We have lab demo day tomorrow and a three hour course in reading ICD-10 codes.  I guess I could catch up on my sleep there but I'm not thinking that is setting the best example for the staff.  I hope you all have a great day....I will be the one with my eyes propped open, gnawing on a leftover hot wing.  Have a great day!

Is there a trash can nearby?

OK...I did it....I went to the kick boxing class....and...it kicked my butt.  I should have known that I was in trouble when she said, "we're going to kick it up a notch today and use the Step...." Kick it up a notch? Are you kidding?   It was an hour long class....I made it 30 minutes.


At the half-way mark, I had three choices.
1.  Throw up on the floor (and mind you, I was in the front row)
2.  Pass out
3.  Casually excuse myself to go find a cylinder of oxygen.

I decided to go with number 3...it seemed the least disruptive to the class.  Joy stayed and made it the full 60 minutes...and I mean, 60 minutes.  I think she actually went 63 minutes. I did 30 minutes of the elliptical for penance. 

 If you read my party analogy in the last post, now I feel like the unpopular kid that tripped and fell in the middle of the party that my mother got me an invitation to.  But truly, the only thing that is wounded is...my pride...my dignity...and believe it or not, even in the 30 minutes....my arms, shoulders and thighs.  This teacher is an animal...One in really good shape that can move like a machine for 60 minutes and not even breathe hard.

So...I'm whipped...I'm embarrassed....I'm slightly sick to my stomach....and unfortunately, I ran out of BP meds about three days ago so my blood pressure is elevated.  So...tomorrow, I will be hitting up the pharmacy.  I know...I know...I give lectures on this stuff.  Stupid for me to let it run out.  Feel free to yell at me...I would be yelling at you if you did it.   I am attributing my Kick Boxing experience to my elevated blood pressure...sounds good, doesn't it?  I'll be testing my theory, however.  I'm taking that stinking class again on Tuesday...and Thursday...and Tuesday again.  I am going to make it through the whole class if it kills me (which it might!).  I have something to prove to myself.  I AM NOT THE UNPOPULAR KID AT THE CHEERLEADERS PARTY!!!!  I am a successful, intelligent woman that happens to have a weight problem and almost throws up in kickboxing class.....hmmmm....not sounding much better!

So...again....if you have ever been the one who tripped...or fell...or had to leave an exercise class half way through, please share.   I would love to have someone to commiserate with! 

Love to you all!

Would you like a towel?

I'm making strides....at the gym.  Not with my weight...oh no, that has not budged.  But with my confidence level.  Today, my friend Joy wasn't there and I actually spoke to someone else.  This may not seem like a big deal but it was a huge accomplishment for me.  You have to understand that I feel incredibly out of place at the gym....like one of the unpopular kids that finds herself at a cheerleaders party because your Mom's know each other.  I go...I work out...but I pretty much stick to myself if Joy isn't there. 

Today, after working out, two women were discussing the Kick Boxing class.  Now, I am an old TaiBo fan - I love to kick things (Remember, I have three boys!).  This sounded intriguing....so finally I spoke. 
"hmmmm - is the class very advanced?  I mean, could a beginner keep up?"
"It's pretty hard", she replied, "but you should try it...you could always modify it.". 
We continued to talk about the class until another woman joined in and convinced me to go tomorrow.  She was my size so I had an immediate trust in her. 

And....the first woman was buck naked.  Well, she wasn't buck naked when we started talking....but she stripped completely down in a period of two sentences, the whole time looking me right in the eye.  I felt like a was playing some weird game of strip poker...and I was frantically trying to get rid of all of my aces.  This was not a game that I wanted to win!  What made this even more uncomfortable was that this woman has been the recipient of some plastic surgery.....in the chest area...and they were very.....hmmmm.... perky.    I'm sure that she thought I had some impairment since I was literally staring into her eyes...anywhere else held visuals that I don't have of my best friends.  I tried to close up the conversation quickly since she seemed in no hurry to a)grab a towel or b) head to the shower.  When she did head to shower, it was still sans towel....she just casually walked with her naked self across the bathroom and stepped into a stall.  I guess I'm glad for her that she is that comfortable with herself....she just hasn't realized that we are not quite that comfortable with herself...

In spite of the interesting delivery of information, I am glad that I asked.  I plan on doing some imaginary butt kicking tomorrow in the kick boxing class.  Hopefully I will not end up on my rear.  Hopefully, my new friend will feel the need to do another workout afterward so we don't bump into each other in the locker room again.  I'm not thinking that this will happen since she seems to have a similar work schedule to mine and Joys.  Lucky us.....

I'll let you know how it goes...Hopefully, I will come out unscathed...and will find a way to avoid gaining any more "knowledge" of my fellow gym members.  I'm sure they are all nice....I just want them to be nice with clothes on!  Hope you have a great day!

Cherry Head

My son graduated last week.  After viewing the graduation pictures, I now see part of my body image problem.  First of all, in the race to see who can be the biggest, I think my stomach finally caught up with my chest.  This is not good.  I am now a full fledged apple.  To make this even more awkward, my head is the size of a pin....well, maybe more like a cherry...on top of a cantaloupe.  The saving grace is that I keep thinking that my little head means that I'm meant to be a little person....somehow the little person that I'm meant to be was eaten by the ravenous fat lady show in the picture.  I'm going to find a way to let her out...I think she's lonely in there.

Please tell me that this was just a weird angle....I don't think Tommy got my good side...you know the one showing me from the chin up. This picture may be going on my refrigerator...and every potential piece of food that could go into my mouth.  I actually think I look kind of scary....

I did do another 30 minutes on the elliptical this morning and walked five miles yesterday at Mission Hills...in my pajamas. These were not just any pajamas...they were pink pajamas with sock monkeys on them....and contrasting purple flower trim. Very...very....sexy. I will say that the coordinators of the Breast Cancer Three Day come up with new and creative ways on a daily basis to test your commitment level! Loree, Gloria and I bought matching pajamas to walk in - I must admit that it was very fun. The walk was great and we pretty much had individual attention since we were the only walkers that showed up. I'm not sure if everyone else thought that 4pm was a little early for nightwear...most of them walked at 8am that morning. It didn't matter...we proudly sported our monkeys and took to the hills. 

I am not seeing the gym in my future for tomorrow...sorry, Joy.  It is now 2am and I haven't been to bed yet.  I have a 7:30am meeting with a student.  I'm trying not to think long and hard about that being in 5 1/2 hours.  I spent most of the evening at the IMCU with Matthew.  He did further damage to his already damaged right knee and was in a significant amount of pain.  We couldnt' get through to his orthopedic surgeon so the Kaiser nurse recommended the IMCU as a good alternative.  It worked well, I must admit.  Other than our MA had the personality of a rock...a rather mean and pointy one.  She spent several minutes lecturing rather than teaching and made us feel several times that we were a big inconvenience to her.  On a bad night, I would have made some comments.  Tonight, I just went with it...and figured that she was having a bad night...or a bad life...or a severely poor career choice.  No sweat...we got what we came for...a new brace and some pain meds.  Fortunately, the rest of the staff was great.  Maybe she had eaten her thin person, too, and it was causing her indigestion. 

OK...I'm off to bed now.  My Statistics paper is done and turned in.  I finished a few outstanding projects at work today...and by outstanding, I don't mean applause worthy, I mean late....Overall, it's been a very productive day.  Tomorrow is another day....well...actually tomorrow is here.  Please pray that I sleep fast.  Have a good day!

How fat do I need to be?

I think I'm going to try something different.  I'm at the point where I need to either find $5000.00 for a lap-band, get my jaw re-wired or start drinking Epicac chasers.  I actually went to a informational meeting once about weight loss surgery.  First, I must say, if you ever want to feel thinner, attend one of these meetings.  I looked like a size 6!  That unfortunately, however, was a problem.  I was told afterwards..."you're just not fat enough or unhealthy enough for this surgery..."  Really?  Heck, give me a year and a goal and I bet I can reach it.  How fat and unhealthy do I need to be?

I know that Weight Watchers works but for some reason, I want to eat everything in sight lately.  I have been working out at least three days a week between walking and the gym but am seeing no results because of my ravenous appetite.  Please don't leave any small children around me...especially if they have have any candy drippings on them.  I did have some medication changes lately, so that could be part of the problem.  The changes have been positive for the most part, but I didn't expect a ten pound weight gain as a side effect.  Ahhhh....I'm on my way to "fat enough"!  I also know that kicking my coffee habit is making for some daily issues at around 2:30pm.  If I can't use caffeine...then I'll use sugar.  Something has got to keep me going in the afternoon.  I'm open to suggestions....!  It just has to be non-harmful and hopefully, legal. 

One of my students has been to a hypnotist for weight loss. She has lost 80 pounds.  I went in for a consultation.  It actually looked somewhat promising.  Holistic - no medications involved.  I do have a slight trust issue, here, however.  What if she puts in some weird code word that makes me strip down and prance like a pony in the hallway?  I guess if I loose weight it would be worth the risk but I like where I work and would hate to have to find employment elsewhere when the students starting screaming and running out the doors!  Maybe I'll find a good friend to do it with me.....Loree?  Not that you have weight to loose but at least one of us could keep an eye open during the process.

I had a patient once that tried Liposuction on herself....with a Kirby.  I'm not kidding.  Cut a hole in her abdomen and put the hose in.  In case your considering it, I will say....it was pretty ugly.  I still can't figure our how she thought she would achieve overall weight loss with this method....What she did loose was some skin...health....her dignity.....!  People are desperate to loose weight.  Willing to do anything...anything....except...eat less.  We all know what to do...don't we?  It just never seems to be as easy as it sounds. 

So, as I consider my options, say a prayer for me.  I met a woman last night that did the Iron Man at age 53.  One of my best friends ran a marathon a few weeks ago...her 50th birthday party was last night.  I am looking at having one foot in the grave at 50 and the other foot in an Alzhimers unit.  I'm not sure which foot will win out!!  I'll let you know if the Hypnotist pans out.  If you discover my code word, be kind...!

Happy Fathers Day!

It is Sunday Night....the weekend is winding down.  The bills are paid, the laundry...done...mostly...and the dishes are drying.  I have been on my hands and knees scrubbing our white tile floor (curses, you previous owners!) and my homework is done.  I spent individual time with two of my boys this weekend and all five of us had time together for Fathers Day today.  The weekend has been great...but...alas...Monday is coming. It comes like a freight train speeding in from the horizon and I am powerless to stop it.  Oh, if we could only stop time for just a little while on Sunday evenings....but I know if I had the power, I would never hit go again!

I spent some time looking at old pictures this weekend.  Time has passed so quickly.  Eighteen years ago, I was a pregnant single mother with two young boys in tow.  Odd details plague me...such as...why did I favor that blue and black Where's Waldo sweater while I was nine months pregnant?  I looked like a huge bumble bee with a bruise.   Why did I buy a black Nissan Sentra with no air conditioning?  Neither of these questions really matter, obviously, but it's interesting to look back at who were were...and how it relates to who we are now.  Now I know not to wear stripes...especially since I weigh now about what I did then...while I was nine months pregnant....It's hard to blame the baby fat on your baby when he's about to graduate from high school....but I'll keep trying.  Now I know that cars must have air conditioning if you are going to live in El Cajon.  It's too bad I didn't learn that before we bought our house. 

The boys and I were together alone for ten years.  For the first couple of years, we didn't have a car.  I remember the day that the black Nissan Sentra with no air conditioning was repossessed.  It was obvious that I couldn't make the payments.  When they called to tell me that they were taking it back, I told them to come get it.  The poor man that came to pick it up couldn't look me in the eye.  I walked him out to show him the car followed by two boys under the age of four and a newborn in my arms.  I think he drove the car in and then hit a bar on the way home.  He seemed much more traumatized than we were. 

Fast forward ten years.  Eric and I met while I was on a date with someone else...it was one of those dates that you think will never end.   We ended up in a little coffee shop in Lakeside that played live music.  It was very...very...hot inside!  Lots of people and very little air.  When we walked outside, we met Eric trying to get some air also. We invited him to church and two years later we were married.  He had no idea what he was getting into - poor man.  I think he spent the first year of our marriage in a haze wondering what he was paying penance for.  One night, I think he truly thought he had entered some weird Alice inWonderland alternate universe.  Matthew was sick and was prone to febrile hallucinations.  The boys and I were used to it.  As his fever went up, I could here his anxiety increasing.  I sat with him telling him that I was there while I tried to get his fever down.  He started saying...
"There's someone else here..." 
"Honey, it's me...I'm right here..." 
There's someone behind you..." 
"Who do you see, honey....it's just me...."

Dramatic scream and then....."It's...the...Devil!"

At this point, I saw Eric drop to his knees and realize that it wasn't just Alice in Wonderland but he had somehow entered the Sixth Sense. Matt's typical hallucination was seeing children playing ring-around-the-Rosie around him. This one was much more intense than normal. Remarkably, Eric is still with us ten years later!


Tuesday is Matt's graduation from high school.  Eighteen years could not possibly have passed.  We will be joined at his graduation by Eric, David (his 1st Dad) and Rudy (his grandfather).   My boys have been blessed to have many men in their lives to look up to.  Some people worry that boys will be sissy's if raised by single mothers.  Dont' believe a word of it.  My boys are exactly that....all boy.  I know that from the time that Tommy flooded the school bathroom from putting rocks in the toilets...to Matt trying to skateboard off the roof and chipping his front teeth...from Christopher doing backflips off the neighbors wall.  From finding a rattlesnake in my freezer after the boys went hiking and living with three pet rats...to discovering that any new posters probably meant that there was a hole in the wall.  It was all part of raising boys and while I was called a single mom....I really wasn't one.  I may have been single but I was anything but doing this job alone.  We were surrounded by male college students from our church who spent time with the kids.  I had friends husbands that would take them out along with their own kids.  I can only say that we have been truly blessed....and I am grateful for all of the men, fathers or not, who had a hand in helping my boys become the men that they are. 

As I look back over our lives, I have so much to be grateful for.  If you had any hand in helping my kids grow...if you have ever told them "I love you"...if you have spent time with them in any way....then thank you.  They are really good men.  I love them....but even more than that....I like who they are becoming.  To my boys, I say "I am proud of you".  To my friends and family, I say, "I couldn't have done it without you!"  To my husband, I say, "Your time is coming...we're almost there!  Thank you for the last ten years and all you have done for our family". 


Love to you all!